I am a Mother of 3, wild, rambunctious, strong willed,
beautifully amazing children. All 3 are
different in their personalities. As
they’ve grown over the years it was fun to see how each would slowly mold into
their own being. Their own mind, spirit
and will. There’s been day’s when my own
will was tested to the point of breaking.
They would win a few battles with Mom.
Not as many with Dad, but definitely with Mom. Those days at the time seemed to be the worst
days. It’s funny how that is. You think it’s the worst day ever until it’s
over. Looking back none of those days
were our worst days. They were just
complicated days that always found solutions.
Today I read an article, and it compelled to write something. I like to write, it’s always been a way for
me to put it all out there. Most of the
time I just move on after I have written down whatever it was that had me in
bunches and knots. The writing helped me
let it go. (Yes that was
intentional). I think sometimes that if
I could just stop in moments of great stress, just completely stop myself and
say this is not the worst moment! There
are thousands of other moments that could happen that would make it the actual
worst one, but this isn’t it. Because
most of my times of stress revolve around the regular, colds, mortgage
payments, heating bills, stomach bugs, fighting children, opposing opinions, a
cranky husband. But that is life isn’t
it. It’s just life. If I had a million dollars and not a bill to
pay I’m quite certain I would still be able to find a moment where I’m feeling
like it’s the worst. I guess that’s how
my mind just does it. But today, for
some reason I want to find a way to make that behavior stop. Minimalize it. Put it away in the back of my mind like it’s
so easy to do with the happy moments.
It’s certainly not easy to just change your way of thinking. Nor is it easy to feel like money problems
are not the biggest problems you have. Especially
with Christmas coming around the corner.
Because we all know that money unfortunately is the one thing in our
life that is able to sway how just about everything goes. But for me, I should just be used to it. Somehow we always find a way. Yes, it’s hard, and yes there are days I go
to bed and lay there staring at the ceiling until the sun rises thinking of all
the things that we have to get through just because of money. But is that really the worst thing that could
happen to me? Most certainly without a
shadow of a doubt it is not. The worst
thing that could happen to me would be something life threatening to one of my
children. An illness, or a pain that I
wouldn’t be able to take a way with just a boo boo kiss. The fact is there are millions of Moms who
lay awake last night with just that worst thing. I know how terrible that can feel as a
daughter seeing her Father go through it… I’ve seen him suffer and it carries
with me to this day 23 years later. So I
know that money, bills and regular life problems are definitely, and most
certainly not the worst problems to have.
Tomorrow is coming no matter what happens today. BUT in the meantime, I can look at my 3 wild,
rambunctious, strong willed, beautifully amazing children and say they are
mine! They are here, and they are
OK! So I may not be able to give them that
PlayStation they so desperately want. Or
that iPhone that seems to keep reappearing on Christmas lists. But we will have Christmas, and we will find
a way to make them smile on that day this year too. AND Today, I can make them smile, and
laugh. I can dance with them in the
kitchen while we prepare dinner. I can
help them with their homework, and read to them. I can tell riddles with them while we eat,
which makes us all laugh until our sides hurt.
I can look at them, straight in the eyes and tell them without one ounce
of uncertainty that I adore them. That
they are my reason for being. They are
my everything. THEY are my children,
beautiful imperfectly perfect in every single way. I will smile today through all these bills
that set before me because we are all OK, and I am very thankful for that. They are wise beyond their years, they are
gorgeous without even knowing it, they are selfless, and kind, and they are
really good souls, and by the grace of God they are my children, and I love them.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Living In The Moment
The last few months I've been away because I took a break from social media. That includes all of it, email, facebook, cafemom, and my blog. Last year when our financial downfall became worse, and it felt as though everything in front of me was crumbling away I needed to stand back and re-evaluate. I was consumed in negativity. I felt like the funk that was surrounding me was never going to let go. I tried to pretend like it wasn't there, but there came a point where I couldn't fight it. It was everywhere and it took hold.
I used to be on Facebook almost every day, sometimes several times a day. But when I found the only thing I wanted to write in the status bar was something negative I started to fade away from it completely. Then came the emails I didn't want to keep writing to my friends and telling them I was fine when I wasn't, and at the same time I didn't want to keep telling them I was miserable and bring them down with me. I realize that my decision was selfish, but I'm truly not sorry I did it, because I don't think I would have been able to be where I am right this second had I not done things the way I did.
In May of last year we received a foreclosure notice on our house. That was the turning point for me. I was so sad and filled with anger and emotions I had no idea where to place I spent several days just crying and sitting in a sack of whoa is me. Sad sight to see it was. The light that was leading me to better days was gone. Losing my house, at the time to me felt like doom. I just couldn't imagine leaving my home, that I helped build, where I brought my 3 beautiful children into the world, where I shared so many amazing moments and memories! This is my home, and you will not take it! I said that over and over but knew it was very possible the house was going to go no matter how loud I shouted.
The next several months went by with much the same. Television and Internet were disconnected, even the power was off a few times. Then came winter and we were sitting here cold many days. How frustrating, and how embarrassed I felt. I was ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't give my children the life they deserved, that basic necessities were difficult to get and sometimes impossible. How sad for them I felt that their parents were letting them down. Then came the day it all changed. Though it would seem the day we saved the house from foreclosure would be the turning point, that wasn't it. It was the week before school was starting and I was going through all the beautiful things my family had gotten the children to get them ready. It was a moment that only happened in a few minutes, but it was a huge moment. At the dining room table my daughter heard the phone ringing and the answer machine came on.
"Mr. Raymond, this is the bank manager, I just wanted to tell you that you only have 2 more weeks to come up with the payments you'll need to stay in your house."
There it was the moment of, oh shit, now my children know. I cringed with anger and fear. Why hadn't I just stopped what I was doing for that minute and answered the damn phone! Why didn't I always keep the answering machine volume turned to zero, especially when all the messages were horrible!
So there I sat in complete ice cold fear. I glanced at my son and he was busy putting labels on his new folders, my other son was checking out his awesome new backpack with really awesome reflectors.
Then to my daughter, who sat directly in front of me, staring at me with those huge brown eyes. She wouldn't move an inch, and I thought oh dear god help me through this. My daughter looked at me and said
"Mommy, what does that message mean".
I wanted to lie, I really did, but it dawned on me we may not be able to save this house, and they will need to know, and I would feel much worse telling them when we were packing.
"Annelyse, there is a chance that Daddy and I will not be able to afford our house anymore, and if that happens we will have to move out".
"Mommy, why are you crying".
"Because I didn't want to tell you, and I don't want you to be scared".
"I'm not scared". said my very calm and beautiful daughter.
"You're not?" I asked.
"No, I'm not scared of anything like that". she said as she continued coloring her name tags.
"Well that's so wonderful you would say that, and I'm so proud of you for being brave". I said knowing what a wimp I was, and how brave she was.... Then came the moment... the simple, very quick amazing moment....
"Mommy, you should be brave too, and you shouldn't be sad. Look at all of these cool things we have that Grammy, Kimmy and Rosie got us. We have so many things Mommy, it's easy to be brave".
I didn't understand what she was saying I really didn't. I asked her if she understood what I had just told her, and she said she did.
"I understand Mommy, we might have to move out of our house".
"Ok" I replied, still not sure if she really knew the depth of what I told her.
"Mommy it doesn't matter where we live, we will always be together, and we will always have just what we need. We don't need this house to be ok Mommy, we just need us".
There it was. The moment. That one damn moment changed me to the core. My 8 year old daughter looking me straight in the eye telling me what I should of been saying. I swear God spoke through her that day. The light came back. It was so bright I could hardly stand it. That moment I realized I was being so selfish, and it was time to stop. My children weren't suffering, they weren't dwelling on what they didn't have. I was! They were enjoying all the wonderful things they did have! They were living happily. I don't know why I didn't see it before that moment, but I didn't. But when I saw it, it was the most wonderful and amazing sight I had ever seen. It was living in the moment, enjoying the little gifts we receive every single day. The tree's that change color and look so beautiful. The different clouds that form and look like all sorts of amazing dinosaurs. The way the sunlight hits your eye and lights it up like a beautiful marble with brilliant colors. The way you feel all warm and fuzzy when your child gives you a hug. The beautiful moments we share every night when it's time for bed. The way a kiss can make your heart flutter. The taste of your favorite meal. The laughs we share every night at dinner talking about our day.... The one moment it took to wake me up gave me millions of more moments to remember, and to look forward to. That was a very good day.
So, my friends I leave you with this. Sometimes life is a real pain in the ass. It can swiftly change and knock the wind out of you. You can take them with despair like I did, and feel like you would never be happy again, OR you can kick life right back. Let yourself revel in the little moments. The small things that mean so much more. Smile whenever you want to. Do not feel like you have to be sad when times are rough. Keep your sanity when life tries over and over to take it. Live in the moment. The old saying that until my moment I never took seriously. Four words that can change your entire way of thinking. Tomorrow is always going to come no matter how far away it seems. Grab your moments and smile.
I used to be on Facebook almost every day, sometimes several times a day. But when I found the only thing I wanted to write in the status bar was something negative I started to fade away from it completely. Then came the emails I didn't want to keep writing to my friends and telling them I was fine when I wasn't, and at the same time I didn't want to keep telling them I was miserable and bring them down with me. I realize that my decision was selfish, but I'm truly not sorry I did it, because I don't think I would have been able to be where I am right this second had I not done things the way I did.
In May of last year we received a foreclosure notice on our house. That was the turning point for me. I was so sad and filled with anger and emotions I had no idea where to place I spent several days just crying and sitting in a sack of whoa is me. Sad sight to see it was. The light that was leading me to better days was gone. Losing my house, at the time to me felt like doom. I just couldn't imagine leaving my home, that I helped build, where I brought my 3 beautiful children into the world, where I shared so many amazing moments and memories! This is my home, and you will not take it! I said that over and over but knew it was very possible the house was going to go no matter how loud I shouted.
The next several months went by with much the same. Television and Internet were disconnected, even the power was off a few times. Then came winter and we were sitting here cold many days. How frustrating, and how embarrassed I felt. I was ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't give my children the life they deserved, that basic necessities were difficult to get and sometimes impossible. How sad for them I felt that their parents were letting them down. Then came the day it all changed. Though it would seem the day we saved the house from foreclosure would be the turning point, that wasn't it. It was the week before school was starting and I was going through all the beautiful things my family had gotten the children to get them ready. It was a moment that only happened in a few minutes, but it was a huge moment. At the dining room table my daughter heard the phone ringing and the answer machine came on.
"Mr. Raymond, this is the bank manager, I just wanted to tell you that you only have 2 more weeks to come up with the payments you'll need to stay in your house."
There it was the moment of, oh shit, now my children know. I cringed with anger and fear. Why hadn't I just stopped what I was doing for that minute and answered the damn phone! Why didn't I always keep the answering machine volume turned to zero, especially when all the messages were horrible!
So there I sat in complete ice cold fear. I glanced at my son and he was busy putting labels on his new folders, my other son was checking out his awesome new backpack with really awesome reflectors.
Then to my daughter, who sat directly in front of me, staring at me with those huge brown eyes. She wouldn't move an inch, and I thought oh dear god help me through this. My daughter looked at me and said
"Mommy, what does that message mean".
I wanted to lie, I really did, but it dawned on me we may not be able to save this house, and they will need to know, and I would feel much worse telling them when we were packing.
"Annelyse, there is a chance that Daddy and I will not be able to afford our house anymore, and if that happens we will have to move out".
"Mommy, why are you crying".
"Because I didn't want to tell you, and I don't want you to be scared".
"I'm not scared". said my very calm and beautiful daughter.
"You're not?" I asked.
"No, I'm not scared of anything like that". she said as she continued coloring her name tags.
"Well that's so wonderful you would say that, and I'm so proud of you for being brave". I said knowing what a wimp I was, and how brave she was.... Then came the moment... the simple, very quick amazing moment....
"Mommy, you should be brave too, and you shouldn't be sad. Look at all of these cool things we have that Grammy, Kimmy and Rosie got us. We have so many things Mommy, it's easy to be brave".
I didn't understand what she was saying I really didn't. I asked her if she understood what I had just told her, and she said she did.
"I understand Mommy, we might have to move out of our house".
"Ok" I replied, still not sure if she really knew the depth of what I told her.
"Mommy it doesn't matter where we live, we will always be together, and we will always have just what we need. We don't need this house to be ok Mommy, we just need us".
There it was. The moment. That one damn moment changed me to the core. My 8 year old daughter looking me straight in the eye telling me what I should of been saying. I swear God spoke through her that day. The light came back. It was so bright I could hardly stand it. That moment I realized I was being so selfish, and it was time to stop. My children weren't suffering, they weren't dwelling on what they didn't have. I was! They were enjoying all the wonderful things they did have! They were living happily. I don't know why I didn't see it before that moment, but I didn't. But when I saw it, it was the most wonderful and amazing sight I had ever seen. It was living in the moment, enjoying the little gifts we receive every single day. The tree's that change color and look so beautiful. The different clouds that form and look like all sorts of amazing dinosaurs. The way the sunlight hits your eye and lights it up like a beautiful marble with brilliant colors. The way you feel all warm and fuzzy when your child gives you a hug. The beautiful moments we share every night when it's time for bed. The way a kiss can make your heart flutter. The taste of your favorite meal. The laughs we share every night at dinner talking about our day.... The one moment it took to wake me up gave me millions of more moments to remember, and to look forward to. That was a very good day.
So, my friends I leave you with this. Sometimes life is a real pain in the ass. It can swiftly change and knock the wind out of you. You can take them with despair like I did, and feel like you would never be happy again, OR you can kick life right back. Let yourself revel in the little moments. The small things that mean so much more. Smile whenever you want to. Do not feel like you have to be sad when times are rough. Keep your sanity when life tries over and over to take it. Live in the moment. The old saying that until my moment I never took seriously. Four words that can change your entire way of thinking. Tomorrow is always going to come no matter how far away it seems. Grab your moments and smile.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Summer?
I am starting to feel like I no longer experience "seasons". Days just mash into each other, and time is flying! Slow down, I say!! I was getting my children ready for school this morning, and it hit me like a ton of bricks how fast they have grown. The baby stages, all gone. My oldest is in his first week of "Middle School". Wow, that went fast. Though my memories are all still clear of him and his paci days. He would have that paci in his mouth, and his woobie wrapped around his neck whilst charging through the house looking for his trucks, or chasing Montana, our beloved Golden retriever who has since left us. I'm actually amazed at how fast my life is going.
Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying them in every stage, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss when he still liked to call me Mommy rather than just Mom. When before they could crawl or walk holding them, feeding them, smelling their baby fine hair. Rubbing my nose in their heads while they lay on my chest napping. Running to me when a boo boo could only be healed with a kiss. Those days go by in the blink of an eye, and I never realized it until now. Forgive me for feeling quite nostalgic, it was just one of those days where my memories came rushing in and I felt a little sad that those days are long gone now. If only I had appreciated that time more rather than just being a busy mom with 2 in diapers while one was potty training. I was so overwhelmed when they were babies because they were all so young together, I don't know if I took enough time to appreciate it and relish those moments. I feel like I'm relishing in them more now that they are gone. I guess that's why there's a saying about missing things more when they are gone.
I love being a Mother. I truly love it, and am not sure I was meant to do anything but. I feel so comfortable in this position. I feel important being someone's Mom. I take my job very seriously. All aspects, from toilet cleaning duty to the only one who knows how to make the pb & j's just right. Just enough p with the perfect amount of j. But I can't help but think of how quickly these years will be going, and I just want to hit the pause button and enjoy it more. We get so busy with school, homework, grocery shopping, working a full day, showers, getting everything ready for the next day, then starting all over again that Monday through Friday are usually just a blur. I just want to focus on them and soaking up as much as I can before it's time for them to spread their wings and fly the nest. They are still young enough to want to hang with Mom, but are just at that age where I'm starting to be on the verge of embarrassing them with way too many kisses at the bus stop. Way too many questions about what happened in school today, and continuing to press because I'm only getting "nothings" and it was ok rather than exciting details.
Well, I guess the moral of this story is, I need to slow down. It's way to easy to get caught up in the stressful events of the day, and the what we need to get done. I want to be able to say when I'm older and alone at home that I spent as much quality time with my 3 children as I could. I can't believe how easy that is to say rather than just do. Yes, I spend most of my waking time 'with' them. I'm really interested in quality over quantity at this point. Reading books together, watching movies together, running around outside playing tag. Teaching them some of my favorite games I played as a child has been a new favorite for all of us. They love to hear stories of what happened when I was their age, and what I did for fun, then try it out themselves. I truly hope that I am able to give them the best that I can give them, with what they need, and what they deserve as my children.
Thank you for listening.... God bless
Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying them in every stage, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss when he still liked to call me Mommy rather than just Mom. When before they could crawl or walk holding them, feeding them, smelling their baby fine hair. Rubbing my nose in their heads while they lay on my chest napping. Running to me when a boo boo could only be healed with a kiss. Those days go by in the blink of an eye, and I never realized it until now. Forgive me for feeling quite nostalgic, it was just one of those days where my memories came rushing in and I felt a little sad that those days are long gone now. If only I had appreciated that time more rather than just being a busy mom with 2 in diapers while one was potty training. I was so overwhelmed when they were babies because they were all so young together, I don't know if I took enough time to appreciate it and relish those moments. I feel like I'm relishing in them more now that they are gone. I guess that's why there's a saying about missing things more when they are gone.
I love being a Mother. I truly love it, and am not sure I was meant to do anything but. I feel so comfortable in this position. I feel important being someone's Mom. I take my job very seriously. All aspects, from toilet cleaning duty to the only one who knows how to make the pb & j's just right. Just enough p with the perfect amount of j. But I can't help but think of how quickly these years will be going, and I just want to hit the pause button and enjoy it more. We get so busy with school, homework, grocery shopping, working a full day, showers, getting everything ready for the next day, then starting all over again that Monday through Friday are usually just a blur. I just want to focus on them and soaking up as much as I can before it's time for them to spread their wings and fly the nest. They are still young enough to want to hang with Mom, but are just at that age where I'm starting to be on the verge of embarrassing them with way too many kisses at the bus stop. Way too many questions about what happened in school today, and continuing to press because I'm only getting "nothings" and it was ok rather than exciting details.
Well, I guess the moral of this story is, I need to slow down. It's way to easy to get caught up in the stressful events of the day, and the what we need to get done. I want to be able to say when I'm older and alone at home that I spent as much quality time with my 3 children as I could. I can't believe how easy that is to say rather than just do. Yes, I spend most of my waking time 'with' them. I'm really interested in quality over quantity at this point. Reading books together, watching movies together, running around outside playing tag. Teaching them some of my favorite games I played as a child has been a new favorite for all of us. They love to hear stories of what happened when I was their age, and what I did for fun, then try it out themselves. I truly hope that I am able to give them the best that I can give them, with what they need, and what they deserve as my children.
Thank you for listening.... God bless
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Body Image
I've recently been having a lot of trouble with anxiety over my body image. I've come to the conclusion that I have a distorted perception of what I look like. The funny thing about this with me is I feel the worst when I'm out in public and all dressed up. I feel normal and not anxious over my looks when I'm home and dressed down, and without makeup. So obviously my home, and any time with my extended family are my safe zone. A few years ago I weighed nearly 300 pounds. During that time I became very depressed and hated everything about myself. My stomach was so heavy, and I just felt so poorly. Over the last 2 years I have lost nearly 120 pounds. Although I'm still not at my desired goal, I'm very close, and I feel so much better without all of that added weight. My clothes fit so well, nothing is too tight and uncomfortable, I can wear more fun styles that I like, and I can buy clothes without the added anxiety of the size to choose. However, with all of that "good stuff" my body image is no better. In fact I would almost say it's worse. If I am out I feel like everyone is staring at me, and I feel like the jolly green giant. I sweat from the anxiety, then I have anxiety from the sweat. Total vicious cycle.
I have come to the conclusion that I have a distorted body image. Self diagnosis. I've tried to talk about it with people, but it's hard for someone to understand it because this image is all within my mind. Someone can tell me over and over that I'm beautiful, but I don't believe it at all. I just feel like Oh they're just being nice. It's an illness for me. I feel like it's a disease, like that's how I justify it in my head. I tried talking about it with husband but he doesn't get it. Rather he just makes jokes that intensify it. For example if we are out and about and I have spent time on my appearance, he'll make a joke like "you look great, but..." then whatever the but was, I focus on that. I get angry and frustrated and take it out on husband. It becomes a disaster, and 9 times out of 10 it will ruin my time out. It's becoming something that I have to figure out and get a hold of, or else I feel it will consume me completely. I have read articles and realize this is a big problem for many woman, teenagers and young girls as well. It's awful that it's an epidemic for us to not feel confident in ourselves.
If I had to describe it to you, I would say that when I'm at the worst of it, I literally envision myself as ugly, gigantic, and like everyone in the room is looking at me. Now, the rational side of my brain knows that not everyone is looking at me and I'm being unrealistic, however, the irrational side of my brain is far stronger than the rational side, and all normal thought goes right out the window. It's like I am able to literally convince myself that I'm disgusting. I was telling my Mother about it one day and she said she felt that this makes her feel like she's done something wrong as a parent for me to feel this way. However, that couldn't be any further from the truth. She's a wonderful mother, and is always telling me positive, encouraging things about my appearance, and personality. But when you're in the thick of it, with distorted body image it doesn't seem to matter what someone is telling you, your irrational thoughts and anxiety take over and tell you everything bad about yourself, and magnify it by a thousand. It's bloody awful!!!
Ive been trying to help myself, and find ways to overcome this, but it's been difficult. I bought a few outfits recently that are really comfortable, and fit my body type really well. I've tried to dress appropriately according to the weather to avoid any excess sweating and things fitting poorly making you feel extra uncomfortable. I wore and outfit yesterday that fit in all the right places, was light to accommodate for the high humidity, and I wore my hair up in a loose bun so avoid any hair drama, such as a frizzy disaster with loose ends sticking inappropriately to my face. The positives of my day and experience were, I felt good in the outfit, I didn't sweat inappropriately, and I didn't feel like any of my body flaws (there are many) were highlighted. It was a good experience.
In conclusion, I have a tremendous amount of work to do in this area, and I plan to document my journey in hopes of helping someone else along the way. Due to the fact that this is not just me, and there are hundreds of other women out there that go through this too, I'm hoping my journey will not only be a learning experience and healing journey for me, but it will for others as well. I will offer tips and tricks as I go, and also discuss the things that definitely did not work. I should also point out that in recent months I am also continuing my weight loss. I have since cut out all soda, and high calorie drinks, and I have tried to incorporate more small meals into my daily diet. I also hope to add exercise provided husband helps me with the kids so that I can make a daily routine of it. I'm starting slow, but hope to have a full routine in place in the next two weeks. I would like to lose an additional 35 pounds to be at my goal weight.
My Before Pic:
I am the one in the pink V neck with the bun, to the far right.
My After Pic to Date:
Again I am to the far right. This is from March 2012, before my birthday dinner.
Blessings to all.
I have come to the conclusion that I have a distorted body image. Self diagnosis. I've tried to talk about it with people, but it's hard for someone to understand it because this image is all within my mind. Someone can tell me over and over that I'm beautiful, but I don't believe it at all. I just feel like Oh they're just being nice. It's an illness for me. I feel like it's a disease, like that's how I justify it in my head. I tried talking about it with husband but he doesn't get it. Rather he just makes jokes that intensify it. For example if we are out and about and I have spent time on my appearance, he'll make a joke like "you look great, but..." then whatever the but was, I focus on that. I get angry and frustrated and take it out on husband. It becomes a disaster, and 9 times out of 10 it will ruin my time out. It's becoming something that I have to figure out and get a hold of, or else I feel it will consume me completely. I have read articles and realize this is a big problem for many woman, teenagers and young girls as well. It's awful that it's an epidemic for us to not feel confident in ourselves.
If I had to describe it to you, I would say that when I'm at the worst of it, I literally envision myself as ugly, gigantic, and like everyone in the room is looking at me. Now, the rational side of my brain knows that not everyone is looking at me and I'm being unrealistic, however, the irrational side of my brain is far stronger than the rational side, and all normal thought goes right out the window. It's like I am able to literally convince myself that I'm disgusting. I was telling my Mother about it one day and she said she felt that this makes her feel like she's done something wrong as a parent for me to feel this way. However, that couldn't be any further from the truth. She's a wonderful mother, and is always telling me positive, encouraging things about my appearance, and personality. But when you're in the thick of it, with distorted body image it doesn't seem to matter what someone is telling you, your irrational thoughts and anxiety take over and tell you everything bad about yourself, and magnify it by a thousand. It's bloody awful!!!
Ive been trying to help myself, and find ways to overcome this, but it's been difficult. I bought a few outfits recently that are really comfortable, and fit my body type really well. I've tried to dress appropriately according to the weather to avoid any excess sweating and things fitting poorly making you feel extra uncomfortable. I wore and outfit yesterday that fit in all the right places, was light to accommodate for the high humidity, and I wore my hair up in a loose bun so avoid any hair drama, such as a frizzy disaster with loose ends sticking inappropriately to my face. The positives of my day and experience were, I felt good in the outfit, I didn't sweat inappropriately, and I didn't feel like any of my body flaws (there are many) were highlighted. It was a good experience.
In conclusion, I have a tremendous amount of work to do in this area, and I plan to document my journey in hopes of helping someone else along the way. Due to the fact that this is not just me, and there are hundreds of other women out there that go through this too, I'm hoping my journey will not only be a learning experience and healing journey for me, but it will for others as well. I will offer tips and tricks as I go, and also discuss the things that definitely did not work. I should also point out that in recent months I am also continuing my weight loss. I have since cut out all soda, and high calorie drinks, and I have tried to incorporate more small meals into my daily diet. I also hope to add exercise provided husband helps me with the kids so that I can make a daily routine of it. I'm starting slow, but hope to have a full routine in place in the next two weeks. I would like to lose an additional 35 pounds to be at my goal weight.
My Before Pic:
My After Pic to Date:
Blessings to all.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Happy 4th Of July!
I swear every time I pay notice another month has passed! I love this month so much. The kids are out of school, and full swing into camp. The weather finally starts to act like summer, and I just love it all. My favorite part of summer, is summer nights. I love the sounds, the smells, the temperature. I love the fact that it's light until 9pm. I love the laid back atmosphere, and I love July because it's our official start to summer period. My two children Ayden and Annelyse both have birthdays in July. My youngest Ayden turns 6 today. He's still convinced that America celebrates HIS birthday, and the fireworks are for HIM only. I just love that. It's so cute to listen to his reasoning, and to see his excitement when he watches fireworks and such. I'm a little nostalgic this year because he is my baby, and he is growing so fast. Although, I am really enjoying each new phase that comes along with them growing older. He has his first real best friend, and I just adore watching that as it develops. It's very heartwarming when you see them blossom and become their own person. He's a boys boy. He loves all things outdoors, and all things boy. Dirt, bugs, bikes, balls, running, jumping, hiding, laughing, yelling, singing, dancing, swimming, and just getting into whatever he can find. He literally taught himself how to ride a two wheel bike without training wheels and every single time I watch him ride his bike I am more and more amazed at how sturdy he is, and how well he learned to manipulate the bike itself.
The biggest thing about Ayden is he has zero fear. He could fall off of his bike 20 times, but will get up dust off, make sure there is no blood and carry on. Nothing dampers his excitement, and his pure joy for living life. It's refreshing, and just beautiful. I am so very proud of him, and all 3 of my children for that matter.
My daughter turns 8 this month as well. I am still not sure where the last 7 years have gone, but she has also blossomed into her own beautiful little person. She is quite sassy that one, and yet she has a very sweet, sensitive side to her as well. The two traits combined lead us to fire and ice as I like to refer it. LOL She can literally turn from laughing and silliness to mad and ready to fight her brothers in seconds flat! It amazes me every time she does it. One thing I hope for is that as the three of them grow up, they will become less of the bickering siblings and more of the friends and siblings I would hope to see. That happened with my sister and I, we are 6 years apart, and as children we didn't see eye to eye, and I annoyed my sister quite often. However flash forward to our early 20's, and we were the best of friends, and still are today. So I am hoping that will also happen with all 3 of my children.
I wish all of you a happy and healthy holiday today, and a safe, wonderful summer ahead!!
Blessings and Smiles!
The biggest thing about Ayden is he has zero fear. He could fall off of his bike 20 times, but will get up dust off, make sure there is no blood and carry on. Nothing dampers his excitement, and his pure joy for living life. It's refreshing, and just beautiful. I am so very proud of him, and all 3 of my children for that matter.
My daughter turns 8 this month as well. I am still not sure where the last 7 years have gone, but she has also blossomed into her own beautiful little person. She is quite sassy that one, and yet she has a very sweet, sensitive side to her as well. The two traits combined lead us to fire and ice as I like to refer it. LOL She can literally turn from laughing and silliness to mad and ready to fight her brothers in seconds flat! It amazes me every time she does it. One thing I hope for is that as the three of them grow up, they will become less of the bickering siblings and more of the friends and siblings I would hope to see. That happened with my sister and I, we are 6 years apart, and as children we didn't see eye to eye, and I annoyed my sister quite often. However flash forward to our early 20's, and we were the best of friends, and still are today. So I am hoping that will also happen with all 3 of my children.
I wish all of you a happy and healthy holiday today, and a safe, wonderful summer ahead!!
Blessings and Smiles!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
My Favorite things...
Beautiful mornings, with a tasty cup of coffee. Being able to enjoy it without gulping.
Summer vacation. Love having my babies home and not having to rush them off to school in the morning. Love the sun, and the lazy days they can enjoy. Love the summer nights when we can sit outside and enjoy the lightning bugs and the cool breeze. The smell of the air, the beauty the summer brings.
Music and all the beautiful things it makes me feel.
Family dinners, with my whole family, my sisters, my mom my nieces and nephews. Sitting around the table laughing ourselves silly.
Talking to my mother. No matter where or when, or how she's always there to make me laugh, or smile, or cry with happiness. She's my voice of reason, she's my shoulder to cry on, she's my best friend, she's my hero, she's my idol, and she loves me for me. Just me. Never having to be anything but me in front of her, whether it's my super silly side or my over emotional side. The most important she thinks I'm really, really funny.
My childrens way of telling me they love me. We could be in the middle of cleaning up or in the middle of our Sunday dinner at the diner and they will just blurt out an I Love you MOM! Or my son with say he has a secret and give me a kiss on the cheek. I just got a note today for no reason at all from my 5 year old telling me that he loves me more then all the stars in the sky. That's alot!
Lazy days. Being able to stay in your sweats and comfy tshirt, fluffy socks or slippers. Hang out on the couch or at the computer. Eat a few naughty snacks, talk for a longer amount of time on the phone... Cuddle with my lovebugs. Not a care in the world.
My dog Coco. I just love her to bits!
The sky, and all the beauty it offers every second of every day.
Taking pictures. Seeing a moment through the lens of my camera and capturing that moment forever. The part of the sky that I caught 5 months ago that never came back again, but I can see every day through the picture that I took and I can remember just how I felt when I took it. Just what I was looking for when I put my eye to the camera. Taking pictures encaptures bits and peices of my life and allows me to hold on to them forever. I love that.
My home. The beauty of the wood, the joy it brings us all, the way it keeps us safe and together.
The love I have inside of it, and the life it brings me because it's my home.
Being a Mother. Just being a Mother is one of the most wonderful and amazing and favorite parts of my life.
Summer vacation. Love having my babies home and not having to rush them off to school in the morning. Love the sun, and the lazy days they can enjoy. Love the summer nights when we can sit outside and enjoy the lightning bugs and the cool breeze. The smell of the air, the beauty the summer brings.
Music and all the beautiful things it makes me feel.
Family dinners, with my whole family, my sisters, my mom my nieces and nephews. Sitting around the table laughing ourselves silly.
Talking to my mother. No matter where or when, or how she's always there to make me laugh, or smile, or cry with happiness. She's my voice of reason, she's my shoulder to cry on, she's my best friend, she's my hero, she's my idol, and she loves me for me. Just me. Never having to be anything but me in front of her, whether it's my super silly side or my over emotional side. The most important she thinks I'm really, really funny.
My childrens way of telling me they love me. We could be in the middle of cleaning up or in the middle of our Sunday dinner at the diner and they will just blurt out an I Love you MOM! Or my son with say he has a secret and give me a kiss on the cheek. I just got a note today for no reason at all from my 5 year old telling me that he loves me more then all the stars in the sky. That's alot!
Lazy days. Being able to stay in your sweats and comfy tshirt, fluffy socks or slippers. Hang out on the couch or at the computer. Eat a few naughty snacks, talk for a longer amount of time on the phone... Cuddle with my lovebugs. Not a care in the world.
My dog Coco. I just love her to bits!
The sky, and all the beauty it offers every second of every day.
Taking pictures. Seeing a moment through the lens of my camera and capturing that moment forever. The part of the sky that I caught 5 months ago that never came back again, but I can see every day through the picture that I took and I can remember just how I felt when I took it. Just what I was looking for when I put my eye to the camera. Taking pictures encaptures bits and peices of my life and allows me to hold on to them forever. I love that.
My home. The beauty of the wood, the joy it brings us all, the way it keeps us safe and together.
The love I have inside of it, and the life it brings me because it's my home.
Being a Mother. Just being a Mother is one of the most wonderful and amazing and favorite parts of my life.
Victim of fraud!
WOW, where to start on this. Yesterday was by far one of the scariest moments in my entire 38 years of life. Sadly, I have been a victim of fraud. I was working on my computer when I recieved a voice mail message on my cell phone. The man who left a message spoke very threatening, and loud. He explained that I needed to have my lawyer, or myself call right now, as he yelled into my voice mail, and that if I didn't call all he could do was wish me good luck. I have to say the instant I heard that my heart began pounding, and my hands started shaking. I was beyond scared, but had no idea why.
What I will say is these people are good at being evil. They are truly good at the venom they spew. It's a sad reality that we have to be victims to this. So basically what happend was I called this number, and though I now see the signs they were completely fake, I didn't see them at all when it was initially happening, because I was scared. A man got on the phone and asked me to not interrupt him while he read me the affidavit against me. He began telling me, while using technical terms that on Thursday I would be arrested and held in jail until the following Monday where I would go to court, and when I was found guilty for "check fraud" and stealing money from American Cash/PayDay Loans I would be held responsible for $5484.87 and in addition to that would be responsible for court and lawyer fees totaling upwards of 8 to 9000.00. Then they asked me to give them my lawyers number. WHICH was my first mistake. I should have done that immediately, but I was scared, and wasn't thinking. So I start screaming at this man and asking him what I have done, and he asks me why I was so ignorant that I did not know what I had done! I said well to start because I haven't done anything, and I did not take a loan out EVER! So he then begins to tell me maybe someone stole my information but that the Federal Government had been monitoring me on my email, and they gave me my correct email address, they gave me my correct social security number. They had just about ALL of my personal information. So after me screaming at them for a few minutes they tell me as long as I have never been arrested, or held for a criminal activity they would settle this with me with an OOCR "out of court restitution". So they gave me to another woman. I am so uspet and shaking at this point I am thinking what the hell is going on here. I start screaming at her too, she interrupts me and says that this supposed loan company put $791.23 into my account and when they tried to get their payment back they couldn't. So they were suing me for check fraud, and other charges I didn't understand. So I tell her no one has ever put money in my account, whats the account number. She gives me my personal account number! Now I'm freaking out. I ask her how to settle this in the supposed OOCR, she tells me to go to walmart and get a green dot money card for the amount and call them back in a half an hour and their lawyers were working on my case and would settle this out of court, and would fax me all the paperwork. As soon as she said go to walmart and get a green dot money card, she failed, and I knew it was fraud immediately. That's when all the other signs I had missed started to come clear to me. For example the continued need to put me on pause, the reading of the claims they supposedly said I was being charged for were read quickly, and I could hear things that made no sense. Though her name was Erika Burkens, she had a very thick accent. Though the mans name was Travis, he too had an extrememly thick accent. When I first called and said someone left me a message to call this number she asked me what phone number they called! That should have been my first clue! I gave her my cell number and it took her several minutes to find me. It was ridiculous. She claimed she had PROOF they put money into my account. I should have known that was not true, but again I was scared, and they were so mean and aggressive it was believable. I should have known that even had I gotten a loan from someone they wouldn't have just called me and said the company wishes to have me arrested rather than settle financially, yet when pushed they decide to accept the payment. There were so many things they said that didn't add up.
I told her ok I'll go get that green dot card and call you back. I asked who to call and at what number, she told me the same number and her name which was Erika Burkens. I hung up and cried my eyes out, b/c I knew I had to calm down to get through this. I called my husband, who was more annoyed than anything, but I also don't think he realized what I was a victim of just yet. His irritated tone calmed me down, and though it wasn't what I wanted to hear from him, it got me back to reality so that I could calm myself down and call my lawyer. I called the lawyer and the secretary asked me what was wrong, and I started bawling my eyes out and said that some company said I stole money and she interrupted me and asked me if they said this, and if they said that and I said YES YES! They did! She said calm down, it's ok you are not going to jail, but you are a victim of fraud. She explained what I had to do, and she explained that it happend to her, and she told me what they did, and how good they are at it, and that is how they steal your money. Because most people will just go pay them even though they aren't guilty b/c they scare you into thinking you have done something, and they take your 800.00 and then they disappear, OR they keep victimizing you over and over. I had to call my bank and close my bank account, I had to report my social security number to the social security administration, and I have to change my cell phone number. When I didn't call them back they called my cell phone every 2 minutes and left me very threatening, harassing messages.
The reason I am sharing this, is because I want you all to know what to look for. Do not let them scare you, and do not let them take your money! When I googled this company hundreds of other victims names and stories came up. They are getting away with this every single day, and taking innocent peoples money! One day they will mess up, but in the mean time they are violating us over and over again. I feel so violated, and vulnerable it's hard to explain. They claimed they had proof money was given to me, and even though I was going through my account as I spoke to them and could see that this had never happend I still believed them! I was almost going to get them this money to stop me from going to jail. I believed them for an hour. I was victimized, and thankfully it didn't go too far, but their are others who it has, and they have had money stolen.
I hope that someone else see's this message and this helps you. I hope that you will not have to go through any of this, but if you do, know that this is a HUGE illegal scam and their are things you can do to report them. One day they will mess up, they will vicitmize the wrong person one time and they will crack this. Someday they will be arrested, and put in jail themselves. But until theanm we have to protect ourselves.
I have learned a huge lesson, and in many ways I know this will teach me something valuable someday. Though right now I just feel sad, and hurt I know it will help me with something else in the future, and I will be damned if I stop telling this so that other people can hear my story and do not go through any of it, and especially so no one gives them a dime of their money! These people are pigs, criminals that don't care about anyone but themselves, and they will keep stealing from innocent people until someone stops them!
Many blessings to all of you!! Feel free to share my story if you think this will help!
Much love!
What I will say is these people are good at being evil. They are truly good at the venom they spew. It's a sad reality that we have to be victims to this. So basically what happend was I called this number, and though I now see the signs they were completely fake, I didn't see them at all when it was initially happening, because I was scared. A man got on the phone and asked me to not interrupt him while he read me the affidavit against me. He began telling me, while using technical terms that on Thursday I would be arrested and held in jail until the following Monday where I would go to court, and when I was found guilty for "check fraud" and stealing money from American Cash/PayDay Loans I would be held responsible for $5484.87 and in addition to that would be responsible for court and lawyer fees totaling upwards of 8 to 9000.00. Then they asked me to give them my lawyers number. WHICH was my first mistake. I should have done that immediately, but I was scared, and wasn't thinking. So I start screaming at this man and asking him what I have done, and he asks me why I was so ignorant that I did not know what I had done! I said well to start because I haven't done anything, and I did not take a loan out EVER! So he then begins to tell me maybe someone stole my information but that the Federal Government had been monitoring me on my email, and they gave me my correct email address, they gave me my correct social security number. They had just about ALL of my personal information. So after me screaming at them for a few minutes they tell me as long as I have never been arrested, or held for a criminal activity they would settle this with me with an OOCR "out of court restitution". So they gave me to another woman. I am so uspet and shaking at this point I am thinking what the hell is going on here. I start screaming at her too, she interrupts me and says that this supposed loan company put $791.23 into my account and when they tried to get their payment back they couldn't. So they were suing me for check fraud, and other charges I didn't understand. So I tell her no one has ever put money in my account, whats the account number. She gives me my personal account number! Now I'm freaking out. I ask her how to settle this in the supposed OOCR, she tells me to go to walmart and get a green dot money card for the amount and call them back in a half an hour and their lawyers were working on my case and would settle this out of court, and would fax me all the paperwork. As soon as she said go to walmart and get a green dot money card, she failed, and I knew it was fraud immediately. That's when all the other signs I had missed started to come clear to me. For example the continued need to put me on pause, the reading of the claims they supposedly said I was being charged for were read quickly, and I could hear things that made no sense. Though her name was Erika Burkens, she had a very thick accent. Though the mans name was Travis, he too had an extrememly thick accent. When I first called and said someone left me a message to call this number she asked me what phone number they called! That should have been my first clue! I gave her my cell number and it took her several minutes to find me. It was ridiculous. She claimed she had PROOF they put money into my account. I should have known that was not true, but again I was scared, and they were so mean and aggressive it was believable. I should have known that even had I gotten a loan from someone they wouldn't have just called me and said the company wishes to have me arrested rather than settle financially, yet when pushed they decide to accept the payment. There were so many things they said that didn't add up.
I told her ok I'll go get that green dot card and call you back. I asked who to call and at what number, she told me the same number and her name which was Erika Burkens. I hung up and cried my eyes out, b/c I knew I had to calm down to get through this. I called my husband, who was more annoyed than anything, but I also don't think he realized what I was a victim of just yet. His irritated tone calmed me down, and though it wasn't what I wanted to hear from him, it got me back to reality so that I could calm myself down and call my lawyer. I called the lawyer and the secretary asked me what was wrong, and I started bawling my eyes out and said that some company said I stole money and she interrupted me and asked me if they said this, and if they said that and I said YES YES! They did! She said calm down, it's ok you are not going to jail, but you are a victim of fraud. She explained what I had to do, and she explained that it happend to her, and she told me what they did, and how good they are at it, and that is how they steal your money. Because most people will just go pay them even though they aren't guilty b/c they scare you into thinking you have done something, and they take your 800.00 and then they disappear, OR they keep victimizing you over and over. I had to call my bank and close my bank account, I had to report my social security number to the social security administration, and I have to change my cell phone number. When I didn't call them back they called my cell phone every 2 minutes and left me very threatening, harassing messages.
The reason I am sharing this, is because I want you all to know what to look for. Do not let them scare you, and do not let them take your money! When I googled this company hundreds of other victims names and stories came up. They are getting away with this every single day, and taking innocent peoples money! One day they will mess up, but in the mean time they are violating us over and over again. I feel so violated, and vulnerable it's hard to explain. They claimed they had proof money was given to me, and even though I was going through my account as I spoke to them and could see that this had never happend I still believed them! I was almost going to get them this money to stop me from going to jail. I believed them for an hour. I was victimized, and thankfully it didn't go too far, but their are others who it has, and they have had money stolen.
I hope that someone else see's this message and this helps you. I hope that you will not have to go through any of this, but if you do, know that this is a HUGE illegal scam and their are things you can do to report them. One day they will mess up, they will vicitmize the wrong person one time and they will crack this. Someday they will be arrested, and put in jail themselves. But until theanm we have to protect ourselves.
I have learned a huge lesson, and in many ways I know this will teach me something valuable someday. Though right now I just feel sad, and hurt I know it will help me with something else in the future, and I will be damned if I stop telling this so that other people can hear my story and do not go through any of it, and especially so no one gives them a dime of their money! These people are pigs, criminals that don't care about anyone but themselves, and they will keep stealing from innocent people until someone stops them!
Many blessings to all of you!! Feel free to share my story if you think this will help!
Much love!
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