Saturday, May 12, 2012

A little bit of this and that...

Hello Blog Land!!! Boy have I failed at this whole blogging my daily life routine.  I've missed writing so much, but I have to admit I let the funk I was in over how things were going in real life completely consume me.  In fact it has consumed me so much, there were nights when I would be getting ready for bed thinking what did I do today?  The days became nights quicker then five minutes, so it seemed.  I became exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't.  Depressed.  It hit me like a brick.  I can even remember the moment it happened.  Just sitting down one day before preparing dinner, the sadness overcame me, and I felt sudden doom.  It was literally like a scene in a movie, rather than an actual moment.  Like it was happening to someone else and I was watching.  The good news is, I've started to come out of it.  Things have started to look so much brighter in the financial department, though we are not out of the negative balance era just yet, it seems the end is near, for real this time. 
I swore I wouldn't let it break me.  I was determined to stay positive, and focused on keeping things light for my children.  I wasn't going to let them have any idea things were bad for us.  It's not for them to know right?  Then it happened.  The cafeteria staff at my children's school told my children, all THREE of them, "Tell your parents if they don't send in more money for your lunch card account you'll have to eat a sandwich from now on".  Now first, before my rant let me just say I realize that them eating a sandwich isn't the worst thing in the world, I mean atleast they would still allow them to eat right?  Well here's where it gets bad for me.... How dare she tell my children, and not call me!   How dare she think it's OK to tell a child there parents have not done what they should, and send in the money.  How dare they use my children against me.  Sure it's not the worst thing someone could have done, but it pissed me off.  The worst part is, at the end of the day I only owed them 12 dollars for all 3 children's accounts combined.  12 dollars.  They hadn't even sent me the normal note they usually send when the account gets low, so if I really wanted to make a fuss I could point the finger at them for not notifying me in the first place.  So ofcourse at that point my oldest son wanted to know why I hadn't paid for their lunches, and why I couldn't just pack them lunch.  I thought about making something up, but the fact was, I couldn't do either of those things because we didn't have any money.  For the first time in my life I couldn't get enough money together to buy a loaf of bread, and some peanut butter and jelly.  It was by far the most profound, and terrifying moment of my life, and I am thanking God over and over right now that time has passed us.  Thank you God! I am also so completely grateful for the beautiful little church just a few miles from where we live that allow me to come twice a month and they fill my cubards with food.  The first thing I plan to do when things are ok again is to give back to them what they have done for me.  No questions asked, they gave me a card, and they fill up a huge box with all kinds of essentials, and even little sweet treats for the kids.  It's the most amazing thing ever, and I am incredibly grateful to them.   OK, so moving on, I'm sorry for that rant.  It feels very good to have gotten it out though....
My husband has work, and lots of it lined up.  We've even started to save for a down payment on a car for me again!  Oh the joy in that!  To be able to just hop in the car anytime I want again, will be the most wonderful thing ever!   He's feeling overwhelmed, but I know it's all going to work out.  I also know that even though I'm not exactly out of the depression, I'm hopeful it's going to leave me soon.  I don't feel as doomed as before, and all the blessings I have in my life are helping me feel that way.  To say I'm grateful for my family, is the most gigantic understatement possible.  My mothers and sisters have helped me and my family so much over the last few months, it's been amazing, and so humbling. 
One of the best parts about my life is the relationship I have with my mother, and my two sisters, and my nieces and nephews.  I adore them.  My love for them is undying, and though I wouldn't think it possible to love them more, I seem to find ways to love them more and more all the time.  It's funny how your heart just grows bigger and bigger!

The biggest lesson I have learned in all of this, is that you have to hold on to the littlest things when you are struggling.  No matter how small it may seem when things are good, when they are bad the smallest blessing can be a giant ray of hope.  I held on to hope, even when I felt there wasn't much of it left, I held on to the smallest ray I could put my mind around, and it helped.  Sometimes things are just bad, and theres nothing you can do about it but march on.  Sometimes you just have to live through it, because no matter how awful it is, tomorrow is always going to come.  That was huge for me during the darkest days.

If any of you are struggling right now, let me be the first to tell you, tomorrow is going to come no matter what, and you are going to get to a lighter, and brighter moment just keep hanging on until it comes.....

God Bless!!

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