Friday, September 7, 2012


I am starting to feel like I no longer experience "seasons".  Days just mash into each other, and time is flying!  Slow down, I say!!  I was getting my children ready for school this morning, and it hit me like a ton of bricks how fast they have grown.  The baby stages, all gone.  My oldest is in his first week of "Middle School".  Wow, that went fast.  Though my memories are all still clear of him and his paci days.  He would have that paci in his mouth, and his woobie wrapped around his neck whilst charging through the house looking for his trucks, or chasing Montana, our beloved Golden retriever who has since left us.  I'm actually amazed at how fast my life is going.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying them in every stage, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss when he still liked to call me Mommy rather than just Mom.  When before they could crawl or walk holding them, feeding them, smelling their baby fine hair.  Rubbing my nose in their heads while they lay on my chest napping.  Running to me when a boo boo could only be healed with a kiss.  Those days go by in the blink of an eye, and I never realized it until now.  Forgive me for feeling quite nostalgic, it was just one of those days where my memories came rushing in and I felt a little sad that those days are long gone now.  If only I had appreciated that time more rather than just being a busy mom with 2 in diapers while one was potty training.  I was so overwhelmed when they were babies because they were all so young together, I don't know if I took enough time to appreciate it and relish those moments.  I feel like I'm relishing in them more now that they are gone.  I guess that's why there's a saying about missing things more when they are gone.

I love being a Mother.  I truly love it, and am not sure I was meant to do anything but.  I feel so comfortable in this position.  I feel important being someone's Mom.  I take my job very seriously.  All aspects, from toilet cleaning duty to the only one who knows how to make the pb & j's just right.  Just enough p with the perfect amount of j.  But I can't help but think of how quickly these years will be going, and I just want to hit the pause button and enjoy it more.  We get so busy with school, homework, grocery shopping, working a full day, showers, getting everything ready for the next day, then starting all over again that Monday through Friday are usually just a blur.  I just want to focus on them and soaking up as much as I can before it's time for them to spread their wings and fly the nest.  They are still young enough to want to hang with Mom, but are just at that age where I'm starting to be on the verge of embarrassing them with way too many kisses at the bus stop.  Way too many questions about what happened in school today, and continuing to press because I'm only getting "nothings" and it was ok rather than exciting details. 

Well, I guess the moral of this story is, I need to slow down.  It's way to easy to get caught up in the stressful events of the day, and the what we need to get done.  I want to be able to say when I'm older and alone at home that I spent as much quality time with my 3 children as I could.  I can't believe how easy that is to say rather than just do.  Yes, I spend most of my waking time 'with' them.  I'm really interested in quality over quantity at this point.  Reading books together, watching movies together, running around outside playing tag.  Teaching them some of my favorite games I played as a child has been a new favorite for all of us.  They love to hear stories of what happened when I was their age, and what I did for fun, then try it out themselves.  I truly hope that I am able to give them the best that I can give them, with what they need, and what they deserve as my children. 

Thank you for listening.... God bless

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Body Image

I've recently been having a lot of trouble with anxiety over my body image.  I've come to the conclusion that I have a distorted perception of what I look like.  The funny thing about this with me is I feel the worst when I'm out in public and all dressed up.  I feel normal and not anxious over my looks when I'm home and dressed down, and without makeup.  So obviously my home, and any time with my extended family are my safe zone.  A few years ago I weighed nearly 300 pounds.  During that time I became very depressed and hated everything about myself.  My stomach was so heavy, and I just felt so poorly.  Over the last 2 years I have lost nearly 120 pounds. Although I'm still not at my desired goal, I'm very close, and I feel so much better without all of that added weight.  My clothes fit so well, nothing is too tight and uncomfortable, I can wear more fun styles that I like, and I can buy clothes without the added anxiety of the size to choose.  However, with all of that "good stuff" my body image is no better.  In fact I would almost say it's worse.  If I am out I feel like everyone is staring at me, and I feel like the jolly green giant.  I sweat from the anxiety, then I have anxiety from the sweat.  Total vicious cycle. 

I have come to the conclusion that I have a distorted body image.  Self diagnosis.  I've tried to talk about it with people, but it's hard for someone to understand it because this image is all within my mind.  Someone can tell me over and over that I'm beautiful, but I don't believe it at all.  I just feel like Oh they're just being nice.  It's an illness for me.  I feel like it's a disease, like that's how I justify it in my head.  I tried talking about it with husband but he doesn't get it.  Rather he just makes jokes that intensify it.  For example if we are out and about and I have spent time on my appearance, he'll make a joke like "you look great, but..."  then whatever the but was, I focus on that.  I get angry and frustrated and take it out on husband.  It becomes a disaster, and 9 times out of 10 it will ruin my time out.  It's becoming something that I have to figure out and get a hold of, or else I feel it will consume me completely.  I have read articles and realize this is a big problem for many woman, teenagers and young girls as well.  It's awful that it's an epidemic for us to not feel confident in ourselves. 

If I had to describe it to you, I would say that when I'm at the worst of it, I literally envision myself as ugly, gigantic, and like everyone in the room is looking at me.  Now, the rational side of my brain knows that not everyone is looking at me and I'm being unrealistic, however, the irrational side of my brain is far stronger than the rational side, and all normal thought goes right out the window.  It's like I am able to literally convince myself that I'm disgusting.  I was telling my Mother about it one day and she said she felt that this makes her feel like she's done something wrong as a parent for me to feel this way.  However, that couldn't be any further from the truth.  She's a wonderful mother, and is always telling me positive, encouraging things about my appearance, and personality.  But when you're in the thick of it, with distorted body image it doesn't seem to matter what someone is telling you, your irrational thoughts and anxiety take over and tell you everything bad about yourself, and magnify it by a thousand.  It's bloody awful!!!

Ive been trying to help myself, and find ways to overcome this, but it's been difficult.  I bought a few outfits recently that are really comfortable, and fit my body type really well.  I've tried to dress appropriately according to the weather to avoid any excess sweating and things fitting poorly making you feel extra uncomfortable.  I wore and outfit yesterday that fit in all the right places, was light to accommodate for the high humidity, and I wore my hair up in a loose bun so avoid any hair drama, such as a frizzy disaster with loose ends sticking inappropriately to my face.  The positives of my day and experience were, I felt good in the outfit, I didn't sweat inappropriately, and I didn't feel like any of my body flaws (there are many) were highlighted.  It was a good experience. 

In conclusion, I have a tremendous amount of work to do in this area, and I plan to document my journey in hopes of helping someone else along the way.  Due to the fact that this is not just me, and there are hundreds of other women out there that go through this too, I'm hoping my journey will not only be a learning experience and healing journey for me, but it will for others as well.  I will offer tips and tricks as I go, and also discuss the things that definitely did not work.  I should also point out that in recent months I am also continuing my weight loss.  I have since cut out all soda, and high calorie drinks, and I have tried to incorporate more small meals into my daily diet.  I also hope to add exercise provided husband helps me with the kids so that I can make a daily routine of it.  I'm starting slow, but hope to have a full routine in place in the next two weeks.  I would like to lose an additional 35 pounds to be at my goal weight. 

My Before Pic:
I am the one in the pink V neck with the bun, to the far right. 

My After Pic to Date:
Again I am to the far right.  This is from March 2012, before my birthday dinner.

Blessings to all.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy 4th Of July!

I swear every time I pay notice another month has passed!  I love this month so much.  The kids are out of school, and full swing into camp.  The weather finally starts to act like summer, and I just love it all.  My favorite part of summer, is summer nights.  I love the sounds, the smells, the temperature.  I love the fact that it's light until 9pm.  I love the laid back atmosphere, and I love July because it's our official start to summer period.  My two children Ayden and Annelyse both have birthdays in July.  My youngest Ayden turns 6 today.  He's still convinced that America celebrates HIS birthday, and the fireworks are for HIM only.  I just love that.  It's so cute to listen to his reasoning, and to see his excitement when he watches fireworks and such.  I'm a little nostalgic this year because he is my baby, and he is growing so fast.  Although, I am really enjoying each new phase that comes along with them growing older.  He has his first real best friend, and I just adore watching that as it develops.  It's very heartwarming when you see them blossom and become their own person.  He's a boys boy.  He loves all things outdoors, and all things boy.  Dirt, bugs, bikes, balls, running, jumping, hiding, laughing, yelling, singing, dancing, swimming, and just getting into whatever he can find.  He literally taught himself how to ride a two wheel bike without training wheels and every single time I watch him ride his bike I am more and more amazed at how sturdy he is, and how well he learned to manipulate the bike itself. 

The biggest thing about Ayden is he has zero fear.  He could fall off of his bike 20 times, but will get up dust off, make sure there is no blood and carry on.  Nothing dampers his excitement, and his pure joy for living life.  It's refreshing, and just beautiful.  I am so very proud of him, and all 3 of my children for that matter.

My daughter turns 8 this month as well.  I am still not sure where the last 7 years have gone, but she has also blossomed into her own beautiful little person.  She is quite sassy that one, and yet she has a very sweet, sensitive side to her as well.  The two traits combined lead us to fire and ice as I like to refer it.  LOL She can literally turn from laughing and silliness to mad and ready to fight her brothers in seconds flat!  It amazes me every time she does it.  One thing I hope for is that as the three of them grow up, they will become less of the bickering siblings and more of the friends and siblings I would hope to see.  That happened with my sister and I, we are 6 years apart, and as children we didn't see eye to eye, and I annoyed my sister quite often.  However flash forward to our early 20's, and we were the best of friends, and still are today.  So I am hoping that will also happen with all 3 of my children.

I wish all of you a happy and healthy holiday today, and a safe, wonderful summer ahead!!

Blessings and Smiles!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

My Favorite things...

Beautiful mornings, with a tasty cup of coffee.  Being able to enjoy it without gulping.

Summer vacation.  Love having my babies home and not having to rush them off to school in the morning.  Love the sun, and the lazy days they can enjoy.  Love the summer nights when we can sit outside and enjoy the lightning bugs and the cool breeze.  The smell of the air, the beauty the summer brings.

Music and all the beautiful things it makes me feel.

Family dinners, with my whole family, my sisters, my mom my nieces and nephews.  Sitting around the table laughing ourselves silly.

Talking to my mother.  No matter where or when, or how she's always there to make me laugh, or smile, or cry with happiness.  She's my voice of reason, she's my shoulder to cry on, she's my best friend, she's my hero, she's my idol, and she loves me for me.  Just me.  Never having to be anything but me in front of her, whether it's my super silly side or my over emotional side.  The most important she thinks I'm really, really funny.

My childrens way of telling me they love me.  We could be in the middle of cleaning up or in the middle of our Sunday dinner at the diner and they will just blurt out an I Love you MOM! Or my son with say he has a secret and give me a kiss on the cheek.  I just got a note today for no reason at all from my 5 year old telling me that he loves me more then all the stars in the sky.  That's alot!

Lazy days.  Being able to stay in your sweats and comfy tshirt, fluffy socks or slippers.  Hang out on the couch or at the computer.  Eat a few naughty snacks, talk for a longer amount of time on the phone... Cuddle with my lovebugs.  Not a care in the world.

My dog Coco.  I just love her to bits!

The sky, and all the beauty it offers every second of every day.

Taking pictures.  Seeing a moment through the lens of my camera and capturing that moment forever.  The part of the sky that I caught 5 months ago that never came back again, but I can see every day through the picture that I took and I can remember just how I felt when I took it.  Just what I was looking for when I put my eye to the camera.  Taking pictures encaptures bits and peices of my life and allows me to hold on to them forever.  I love that.

My home.  The beauty of the wood, the joy it brings us all, the way it keeps us safe and together.
The love I have inside of it, and the life it brings me because it's my home.

Being a Mother.  Just being a Mother is one of the most wonderful and amazing and favorite parts of my life.

Victim of fraud!

WOW, where to start on this.  Yesterday was by far one of the scariest moments in my entire 38 years of life.  Sadly, I have been a victim of fraud.  I was working on my computer when I recieved a voice mail message on my cell phone.  The man who left a message spoke very threatening, and loud.  He explained that I needed to have my lawyer, or myself call right now, as he yelled into my voice mail, and that if I didn't call all he could do was wish me good luck.  I have to say the instant I heard that my heart began pounding, and my hands started shaking.  I was beyond scared, but had no idea why.

What I will say  is these people are good at being evil.  They are truly good at the venom they spew.  It's a sad reality that we have to be victims to this.  So basically what happend was I called this number, and though I now see the signs they were completely fake, I didn't see them at all when it was initially happening, because I was scared.  A man got on the phone and asked me to not interrupt him while he read me the affidavit against me.  He began telling me, while using technical terms that on Thursday I would be arrested and held in jail until the following Monday where I would go to court, and when I was found guilty for "check fraud" and stealing money from American Cash/PayDay Loans I would be held responsible for $5484.87 and in addition to that would be responsible for court and lawyer fees totaling upwards of 8 to 9000.00.  Then they asked me to give them my lawyers number.  WHICH was my first mistake.  I should have done that immediately, but I was scared, and wasn't thinking.  So I start screaming at this man and asking him what I have done, and he asks me why I was so ignorant that I did not know what I had done!  I said well to start because I haven't done anything, and I did not take a loan out EVER! So he then begins to tell me maybe someone stole my information but that the Federal Government had been monitoring me on my email, and they gave me my correct email address, they gave me my correct social security number.  They had just about ALL of my personal information.  So after me screaming at them for a few minutes they tell me as long as I have never been arrested, or held for a criminal activity they would settle this with me with an OOCR "out of court restitution".  So they gave me to another woman.  I am so uspet and shaking at this point I am thinking what the hell is going on here.  I start screaming at her too, she interrupts me and says that this supposed loan company put $791.23 into my account and when they tried to get their payment back they couldn't.  So they were suing me for check fraud, and other charges I didn't understand.  So I tell her no one has ever put money in my account, whats the account number.  She gives me my personal account number!  Now I'm freaking out.  I ask her how to settle this in the supposed OOCR, she tells me to go to walmart and get a green dot money card for the amount and call them back in a half an hour and their lawyers were working on my case and would settle this out of court, and would fax me all the paperwork.  As soon as she said go to walmart and get a green dot money card, she failed, and I knew it was fraud immediately. That's when all the other signs I had missed started to come clear to me.  For example the continued need to put me on pause, the reading of the claims they supposedly said I was being charged for were read quickly, and I could hear things that made no sense.  Though her name was Erika Burkens, she had a very thick accent.  Though the mans name was Travis, he too had an extrememly thick accent.  When I first called and said someone left me a message to call this number she asked me what phone number they called!  That should have been my first clue! I gave her my cell number and it took her several minutes to find me.  It was ridiculous.  She claimed she had PROOF they put money into my account.  I should have known that was not true, but again I was scared, and they were so mean and aggressive it was believable.  I should have known that even had I gotten a loan from someone they wouldn't have just called me and said the company wishes to have me arrested rather than settle financially, yet when pushed they decide to accept the payment.  There were so many things they said that didn't add up.

I told her ok I'll go get that green dot card and call you back.  I asked who to call and at what number, she told me the same number and her name which was Erika Burkens.  I hung up and cried my eyes out, b/c I knew I had to calm down to get through this.  I called my husband, who was more annoyed than anything, but I also don't think he realized what I was a victim of just yet.  His irritated tone calmed me down, and though it wasn't what I wanted to hear from him, it got me back to reality so that I could calm myself down and call my lawyer.  I called the lawyer and the secretary asked me what was wrong, and I started bawling my eyes out and said that some company said I stole money and she interrupted me and asked me if they said this, and if they said that and I said YES YES! They did! She said calm down, it's ok you are not going to jail, but you are a victim of fraud.  She explained what I had to do, and she explained that it happend to her, and she told me what they did, and how good they are at it, and that is how they steal your money.  Because most people will just go pay them even though they aren't guilty b/c they scare you into thinking you have done something, and they take your 800.00 and then they disappear, OR they keep victimizing you over and over.  I had to call my bank and close my bank account, I had to report my social security number to the social security administration, and I have to change my cell phone number.  When I didn't call them back they called my cell phone every 2 minutes and left me very threatening, harassing messages. 

The reason I am sharing this, is because I want you all to know what to look for.  Do not let them scare you, and do not let them take your money!  When I googled this company hundreds of other victims names and stories came up.  They are getting away with this every single day, and taking innocent peoples money!  One day they will mess up, but in the mean time they are violating us over and over again.  I feel so violated, and vulnerable it's hard to explain.  They claimed they had proof money was given to me, and even though I was going through my account as I spoke to them and could see that this had never happend I still believed them!  I was almost going to get them this money to stop me from going to jail.  I believed them for an hour.  I was victimized, and thankfully it didn't go too far, but their are others who it has, and they have had money stolen. 

I hope that someone else see's this message and this helps you.  I hope that you will not have to go through any of this, but if you do, know that this is a HUGE illegal scam and their are things you can do to report them.  One day they will mess up, they will vicitmize the wrong person one time and they will crack this.  Someday they will be arrested, and put in jail themselves.  But until theanm we have to protect ourselves. 

I have learned a huge lesson, and in many ways I know this will teach me something valuable someday.  Though right now I just feel sad, and hurt I know it will help me with something else in the future, and I will be damned if I stop telling this so that other people can hear my story and do not go through any of it, and especially so no one gives them a dime of their money!  These people are pigs, criminals that don't care about anyone but themselves, and they will keep stealing from innocent people until someone stops them!

Many blessings to all of you!! Feel free to share my story if you think this will help!
Much love!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Elementary School Graduation and other happenings

Yesterday my 9 year old had his elementary school graduation.  I was both over joyed with pride and quite sad.  Not sad in a way of regret, just nostalgic sad.  I was a bit of a ditz going into it because I had something completely different as my idea of what it was going to be.  I didn't really think it was an actual "graduation".  Why, I don't know!  I should have realized, but I guess the busy week got the best of me, and I just anticipated an hour of getting us ready for the middle school.  The school we attend does elementary ed through 4th grade, so 5th grade is actually Middle School.  When I was in school that started in 6th grade.  So I walked into the gym and was overwhelmed with emotion instantaneously.  The decorations were beautiful, quite dreamy actually.  The plants and trees were all lit up, there were balloons everywhere, and a lovely slide show playing of the children.  One look at my son's picture accompanied by the music playing and I was swallowing a major lump and pinching myself not to start bawling.  I did very well through the first part of the ceremony.  Then came time for the memories slide show.  It began with the "remembering" part, which was all of their baby pictures, accompanied by a beautiful slow country song about letting them be little.  That was it for me.  The tears came and I had no control over them.  By the songs end I was a snotting, blubbering mess.  Mascara to my chin, lip quivering and I was over run with emotion about the last 9 years that went way to fast.  It felt like all of a sudden I was realizing how big my baby was.  Almost a double digit age, yet it feels like yesterday that he was my only child, and it was just him and Mommy hanging out, playing and being silly together.  Of course we still have those moments, but they are not as often since I have slowly started to become the mom to a "grown up" boy. 

Kevin is as sweet as he is adorable.  He's kind and loving.  He's sensitive, and brilliant.  He's charismatic and serious.  He's wonderful.  I remember his labor and holding my baby boy for the first time thinking how amazing life had just become.  All the tears I shed because I was so clueless on parenting.  How grown up I felt having a son to call my own.  The countless calls to my Mom bawling my eyes out that I wasn't being a good Mommy and I didn't know what I was doing.  Then slowly transforming into Mommy-hood and being able to do everything with ease.  To be able to know when he had a tummy ache, or needed a bottle.  Just one look at his face and I knew what it was he needed.  The transition was long and slow, but it happened just the same.  Now here I am sitting at his elementary ed graduation thinking about the new chapter we will soon begin.  I felt overwhelmed with pride as I saw him accept his graduation certificate.  How handsome my boy looked up there.  How sweet he was clapping and cheering for his friends.  How loved he was by all of the other children who cheered and applauded for him.  It was a good moment.  I was transitioning myself into a mommy of a pre-teen, and feeling alittle scared at what the new chapter will bring.  Yet I was feeling excited for him. 

When the ceremony was over I couldn't wait to get my hands on him and squeeze him and give as many kisses as he would allow.  I couldn't wait to tell him how proud Mommy is of him.  What a wonderful boy he is, and what a wonderful young man he is turning into.  That part was my favorite of the day.  Squeezing him, sneaking in a quick smell of his hair, and kissing him as quick as I could so I didn't get the "MOM stop you are embarrassing me" statement.  Thankfully he let Mommy love on him for a minute and didn't mind that I might embarrass him.  He was looking out for his mushy mom.  He knows Mom will cry, and he knows Mom will get all gushy and he's OK with it.  That's my boy! 

At the days end, it was hot and humid, there were loads of laundry to be folded, and piles of dinner dishes to wash and all seemed normal again.  Then together we all prepared the teachers presents for the last day of school today.  Funny how getting them all up this morning and ready was the easiest day of the year thus far.  They were dressed and ready to go 15 minutes before Mom today!  My 5 year old was feeling pretty down about today being his last day with his teacher.  He only figured out last week that he had to get a new teacher every year and he wasn't happy about it.  This year he completely enjoyed, and whenever you'd ask him what his favorite part of school was his answer was always the same, his teacher.  He has had the sweetest crush on her, and she loves him too.  It's very sweet and we are really going to miss her.  I was crying when it came to her card because she's actually taught two of my children.  Each thing that my 5 year old does seems very concrete because it's the last of's for just about all of the things we complete.  He being my baby there will be no more kindergarten, no more of the things we've done for 3 children now.  It's exciting, but sad all wrapped in one. 

I know it's not good to feel sad and feel like your life is flashing before your eyes just because the kids are growing up.  I'm trying to live in the moment and enjoy each new chapter, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the baby stages.  They go so fast!  Plus I had 2 in diapers, with a bottle etc so I was probably too busy to enjoy it as much as I could have/should have.  I miss the little baby in my arms, and the bottles.  Smelling their hair while they rest on you and drink their bottle.  I just miss it.  It's that simple.  Knowing I can't have another child doesn't help much.  I mean I doubt I even would have another if I could, but it seems like because I know I can't makes me want another even more.  I've thought about adoption but it's a process the husband would never go for, and so I've moved on from it.  It hurt for a while, but it feels better now.  It's just sometimes a hard pill to swallow when you think you could have had a new baby coming now.  I would have liked that alot.  But, it's only making things harder for me and I really need to move on from it and just learn how to be a Mom to the ages I have now.  I am so lucky to have those 3 little people.  They are pretty darn awesome and they are all mine.  That's good stuff!

Enjoy your day, and for those of you winding down the school year I wish you loads of blessings, and a very happy beginning to your summer!!


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Favorites Pics for June

All of these pictures are my current favorites, but the last one is my top favorite.  That's my son and daughter enjoying the sunset at Swan Lake.  The sky was so amazingly beautiful that day, and it was just pure luck that I was able to snap my son Ayden in midair doing his little happy dance!

On a side note, if you are interested in buying any of my pictures, you can check out my gallery at  They are available in 3 different sizes, and are printed on museum quality canvas.  There are hundreds to chose from!  I thank you in advance for looking at my pictures!  I hope they bring you joy!

Wishing you all a beautiful evening, and a wonderful week!

Seeing the light...

As I've written in a few blogs over the last few months, I've just recently come out of a large bout of depression.  I was letting my financial problems define me.  I think the biggest thing I have taken out of all of it is that it's so easy to get lost in your world when stressful situations are bombarding you.  But the thing that I want to take from that is the important lesson I learned.  That being: do not drown in your sorrows, instead stand up and walk through them with your head held high.  Relish in the small bonus moments that your life has to offer.  Taking baby steps into the next part of your life. 

I turned 38 years old this year, and what hit me on my birthday was that aside from my 3 beautiful children, and my amazing supportive family, most of my daily life consists of way too much stress.  I don't want to keep letting that be what's important about me.  What's important about me IS my 3 beautiful children, and my family.  It's so important to always keep family as your number 1 priority.  Your focus.  Now, having said that, I can attest to fear being a huge part of why someone would let stress, and stressful situations take control.  You become afraid that you'll lose your home, that you'll be a failure and you'll no longer be able to provide stability for your children.  That is exactly what happened to me.  I was terrified that all of the bad things that were happening, were going to take away all the things that I loved.  When you are broke, and your only way to survive is to rely on the kindness of others, everything that you knew before changes.  My way of thinking changed.  It became not what I wanted to do with the kids for fun, but rather, how was I going to put food on the table every day.  How was I going to get clothes for the kids, how was I going to keep all of this monumental stress and bad experiences from effecting them?  I will be the first to admit that was scary as hell!  My family as you know, was and still is my foundation.  They stand by me through every single battle, and make sure that I have what I need.  From every small detail, to the big huge things they were there to help, and had I not had them, I doubt very much I would even have Internet connection right now, or a computer, or a table to sit at to tell you about this.  They held my hand through every single dark moment, and are still holding my hand until all of this passes.  They will always be there for me.  That is so huge.  How do you thank someone for saving your life?  Thank you just doesn't seem big enough. 

We have had so many things happen to us in the last year and I keep trying to figure it out.  Why do we keep falling down?  What are we doing that is so wrong that all these bad situations keep dragging us deeper and deeper?  I see such horror stories on the news and I think my god I have to be able to stay on top of this so that we do not end up in an even worse situation.  We have tried to figure out what would be the best solution, and though I hate to admit it, selling our house is probably going to be it.  I love this house with my entire being.  I'm so proud of it, and I am so happy here.  But in the reality of the things I have to realize this house costs us a small fortune, and puts us deeper in debt every year.  The taxes are 1000 a month.  It's costing us so much money to hold on to this house, that it's only going to keep us from getting out of this financial hole we have fell in.  The taxes will never be lowered, they will only stay the same or increase.  Once we paid our mortgage off we would still be left with that 1000 a month payment, and that's a lot to have hanging over your head, especially when you aren't making enough to make ends meet.  If we sold our house, and were able to pay off all of our debt, it would only be saving us.  Yes, it WILL break my heart to leave here, but as long as I have my family I can make a happy home wherever we end up.  As it is, the house which is a log cabin, needs alot of work.  The husband doesn't have any time to put into it, and we certainly can't justify hiring someone to do it.  So I believe I have come to accept the inevitable.  Of course it will take us a while to sell anyway, as there is that work that needs to be done, and we need to wait for a decent market.  But before this I would have never agreed to sell it.  I fought the husband tooth and nail to disagree with his constant idea that selling was the only answer.  The fighting did me no good, and in the end, it is me who realizes he's right on this one.

The one thing that I feel is most important about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and about coming out of a bad, long depression is that I have realized this life is going to challenge us every single second, it's how you handle it that is going to take part in defining you.  You can let it take over, and believe me that's the easy part, OR you can get up each morning with the hope of a better day.  The hope of a brighter/lighter future.  I'll be honest, it's not going to be easy, but it's so much easier to face the day with hope and a smile, than missing an entire day of your children's life because you're too wrapped up in the moment.   Look up from that pile of bills and see what they are up to.  Spend that few minutes playing and laughing with them.  I can guarantee you'll feel a lot better afterwards.  Showing them the way doesn't always mean your life has to be perfect.  They can and do understand a lot more than we give them credit for.  So while they are still young, and want to play with you, get down on the carpet and play!!  I promise the bills will still be there when you get done, and nothing bad is going to happen if you take a few hours out of your schedule to spend it laughing and dancing.  Tomorrow always comes, and life always keeps happening no matter how bad and how awful your current situation is.  There is going to be a day when it gets better, so enjoy as many moments as you can in the mean time.  You'll get there either way!!

Wishing you all blessings and good things, today and every day! 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Dear Mom

Hi Mom,
I'm sure you're ready to run because your afraid I'm going to make you cry, well that may be true, but stick with me here ok, because I really need to tell you some things...

Mom, my beautiful, courageous amazing Mother... How much I adore you.  The first thing I want to say is Thank you!  Thank you for being there for me through every single moment in my life.   Thank you for always supporting me, encouraging me, laughing with me, and standing behind me through out all of my life's trials and tribulations. 

Mom, how could I have done any of the things I've accomplished had you not been there to back me up?  I couldn't have.  I would have fallen flat on my face.  You love me with your whole heart.  You give me all you have without a second thought.  You are funny, smart, beautiful, kind and wonderful.  You are the brightest light in my life.  To say I'm thankful is not nearly a big enough word for what I truly am for you.  I feel safe knowing my Mother is there to help me.  I feel brave to do things that would normally scare me because I know you will be there.  I feel strong at my weakest moments because I know you will have my back.  I feel calm when I am stressful because I know you will be my voice of reason.  I smile through my tears because I know you will always find a way to make me laugh.  I rejoice that all things are possible because I have the most wonderful Mother I could ever have. 

When God brought me to you, he gave me the most amazing gift he would ever give me.  He gave me the chance to a perfect life because I was born by you. 

My wonderful, amazing and beautiful Mother, Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart thank you for being you, and for being my everything.

There will never be enough ways, or words to tell you just how much I love you, but please know that I do.  I love you with all of my heart, and I thank God every single day for YOU!

Happy Mothers Day Mom!!!!!!  God made an amazing, beautiful, and Kind mother, and I am so grateful that Mother is MINE!!!

Loving you always,

A little bit of this and that...

Hello Blog Land!!! Boy have I failed at this whole blogging my daily life routine.  I've missed writing so much, but I have to admit I let the funk I was in over how things were going in real life completely consume me.  In fact it has consumed me so much, there were nights when I would be getting ready for bed thinking what did I do today?  The days became nights quicker then five minutes, so it seemed.  I became exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't.  Depressed.  It hit me like a brick.  I can even remember the moment it happened.  Just sitting down one day before preparing dinner, the sadness overcame me, and I felt sudden doom.  It was literally like a scene in a movie, rather than an actual moment.  Like it was happening to someone else and I was watching.  The good news is, I've started to come out of it.  Things have started to look so much brighter in the financial department, though we are not out of the negative balance era just yet, it seems the end is near, for real this time. 
I swore I wouldn't let it break me.  I was determined to stay positive, and focused on keeping things light for my children.  I wasn't going to let them have any idea things were bad for us.  It's not for them to know right?  Then it happened.  The cafeteria staff at my children's school told my children, all THREE of them, "Tell your parents if they don't send in more money for your lunch card account you'll have to eat a sandwich from now on".  Now first, before my rant let me just say I realize that them eating a sandwich isn't the worst thing in the world, I mean atleast they would still allow them to eat right?  Well here's where it gets bad for me.... How dare she tell my children, and not call me!   How dare she think it's OK to tell a child there parents have not done what they should, and send in the money.  How dare they use my children against me.  Sure it's not the worst thing someone could have done, but it pissed me off.  The worst part is, at the end of the day I only owed them 12 dollars for all 3 children's accounts combined.  12 dollars.  They hadn't even sent me the normal note they usually send when the account gets low, so if I really wanted to make a fuss I could point the finger at them for not notifying me in the first place.  So ofcourse at that point my oldest son wanted to know why I hadn't paid for their lunches, and why I couldn't just pack them lunch.  I thought about making something up, but the fact was, I couldn't do either of those things because we didn't have any money.  For the first time in my life I couldn't get enough money together to buy a loaf of bread, and some peanut butter and jelly.  It was by far the most profound, and terrifying moment of my life, and I am thanking God over and over right now that time has passed us.  Thank you God! I am also so completely grateful for the beautiful little church just a few miles from where we live that allow me to come twice a month and they fill my cubards with food.  The first thing I plan to do when things are ok again is to give back to them what they have done for me.  No questions asked, they gave me a card, and they fill up a huge box with all kinds of essentials, and even little sweet treats for the kids.  It's the most amazing thing ever, and I am incredibly grateful to them.   OK, so moving on, I'm sorry for that rant.  It feels very good to have gotten it out though....
My husband has work, and lots of it lined up.  We've even started to save for a down payment on a car for me again!  Oh the joy in that!  To be able to just hop in the car anytime I want again, will be the most wonderful thing ever!   He's feeling overwhelmed, but I know it's all going to work out.  I also know that even though I'm not exactly out of the depression, I'm hopeful it's going to leave me soon.  I don't feel as doomed as before, and all the blessings I have in my life are helping me feel that way.  To say I'm grateful for my family, is the most gigantic understatement possible.  My mothers and sisters have helped me and my family so much over the last few months, it's been amazing, and so humbling. 
One of the best parts about my life is the relationship I have with my mother, and my two sisters, and my nieces and nephews.  I adore them.  My love for them is undying, and though I wouldn't think it possible to love them more, I seem to find ways to love them more and more all the time.  It's funny how your heart just grows bigger and bigger!

The biggest lesson I have learned in all of this, is that you have to hold on to the littlest things when you are struggling.  No matter how small it may seem when things are good, when they are bad the smallest blessing can be a giant ray of hope.  I held on to hope, even when I felt there wasn't much of it left, I held on to the smallest ray I could put my mind around, and it helped.  Sometimes things are just bad, and theres nothing you can do about it but march on.  Sometimes you just have to live through it, because no matter how awful it is, tomorrow is always going to come.  That was huge for me during the darkest days.

If any of you are struggling right now, let me be the first to tell you, tomorrow is going to come no matter what, and you are going to get to a lighter, and brighter moment just keep hanging on until it comes.....

God Bless!!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Vent Session

We have three tetris ponds in the front of our house.  My husband built them a few years ago.  We've had a lot of trouble with them, the fountain worked for a year, then that went on us.  The bottom pond had to be replaced twice because it got a mysterious hole in the bottom.  We had rocks in between each pond, and a filter system that would allow the water to go around and down into the bottom pond.  But you so much as sneezed on that sucker and the ponds would be emptied on the lawn by morning.  We even had beautiful gold fish at one point.  That turned out to be a bad idea though as well, because the kids got really attached to them, and loved feeding them until it came time for winter and we had to find a new home for them.  The kids cried for days that we lost their gold fish. 

Anyway, so last year we sort of gave up on them, and just let them have water in them.  We have to bleech them out all of the time though because otherwise frogs take over.  ( we live in the woods)  Well I don't know if it's because of the fact that the ground is drier this year and the frogs have no where to go or what, but we are over run with frogs and frog eggs.  When I was a kid I used to LOVE walking up and down the road in spring time until I found a perfect batch of eggs and loading them in my bucket and took care of them until they hatched.  Well last count the bottom pond has 18 sacks, the middle has 11 and the top has 2.  Our pool has had 4 but I refuse to let them get more then a minute old there, so I have already taken those out!  I brought one huge batch to school this morning for my son Aydens kindergarten class to hatch, and had a few more offers on the way out from other teachers.  I'm kind of hoping I can give them all away rather than having to "get rid" of them.  The thing is if we don't get rid of them we are going to have thousands upon thousands of frogs.  As it is now we had to learn how to live with the sound of them.  We've learned alot about frogs, and how they communicate.  The different sounds they make to call out to eachother as they move closer and closer to eachother.  My kids think it's hysterical and love to share it with the other kids at school.  They were very proud walking in today with all the other kids and teachers asking them all about it.  Too bad I couldn't sell them, that would be a good quick way to make a few dollars!! haha!

Earlier in the week the husbands Dad went for a small procedure to be done on his heart, but it worked out in the end and they only ended up just looking at everything and not having to repair it.  My husband was very worried about him, and even drove him down to the appointment.  I knew right away once he volunteered to do that he must of been very worried.  He almost never even calls him, he always leaves it up to me to make the calls, and keep the family happy.  Have I mentioned before now how grumpy my husband is?  Don't get me wrong I love that man, lord knows I do.  Grumpy ways and all, but sometimes that constant negative demeanor can be very exhausting.  For example last night we went to my sons first band concert, and literally for the entire time we were getting ready he was yelling, and bellowing the entire time.  By the time we got out the door we were so incredibly stressed out I felt like my blood pressure was through the roof!! 

Another issue I have is, I can never lay on the couch and relax.  Even if it's on a Saturday and I've worked both of my jobs all week long, one well into the middle of the night, he would have a fit if I were to lay on the couch.  Well since he's been short on jobs, he's been home all the time now.  He only goes to our office when I do.  It used to be that Tuesday and Thursdays were devoted to me staying home, catching up on housework and doing my job.  Well now he is home during those days and sits on the couch watching Jerry Springer, and Judge Judy all day.  I can't stand it anymore.  If I ever even thought about laying on the couch and watching a show he'd have something to say immediately.  I can really see how financial strains puts stress on your marriage.  It's almost impossible to sometimes not get into an argument because the tension is so high.  I want to figure a way to work though this, but some of the changes that he has adopted into his personality are really hard on me.  I haven't sat and watched a full tv show in almost 2 years.  I'm angry at myself for ever putting up with that behavior from him, but as it is now if I were to sit down for a minute, and I hear him come in, I instinctively jump up and start cleaning.  This is ridiuclous!! Absolutely ridiculous!  I'm starting to become very, very bitter, and that completely terrifies me.  He even said himself the best way for him to ever get jobs, and how it's always been for him is by him getting out there and seeing people.  That's usually how he gets his jobs.  Well when he needs a very large amount of money to come up with tomorrow, you would think he would have found a better way to use up his time today.  Rather than waiting until it's time for us to all sit down and have dinner that's when he decides to go out.  I just do not get it.

Thank you for allowing me to vent this all here.  It's a great thing to be able to just put it out there and then move on from it. 

God Bless!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Natural Therapy

Since I have been feeling depressed the last few months, I started taking more pictures.  I started to appreciate my surroundings.  The realization that I could lose my house at any given moment taught me a very valuable lesson.  Enjoy what you have.   Relish the small things.  Live for the moment.  It may sound cliche' but it works for me.  When I stop focusing on all the negatives and look for small, beautiful, positive things, I feel good.   I feel free.  I feel happy.  In the middle of all of that I taught my children, without knowing I was doing it, to look at the beauty surrounding them as well.  Out of nowhere they'll say Mommy get your camera, look how pretty the sky looks, or Mommy take a picture of this!  For the last several weeks, I have taken a picture of the sky, and our house every single day.  Sometimes I just start snapping and will go back and look at them later in the day and I am always pleasantly surprised at the outcome.  Just one moment, just one fragment of the day frozen.  The sky is the most amazing thing when you look at it.  The clouds, the colors, the birds flying free.  There's always something to appreciate. 

"Look at the trees, look at the birds, look at the clouds, look at the stars... and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful. Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance. Look at the flowers - for no reason. It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are." ~Osho

When I slow down and just relish my surroundings, it's a great feeling.  A peace that over comes you, and makes all the chaos go away for a moment.  Though, I would not wish what we have gone through on any other family, there are parts of it, that I have come to appreciate.  Because it has taught me to look through the darkness and see what's good around me.  Finding those small things that make me appreciate life in itself.  It's not always easy to just appreciate what you do have, and forget the bad things, or the things you don't have.  That's very hard to learn, for me anyway.  Though I know I should always be grateful for what I have, when you feel threatened, you forget the little things that are good, and surrounding you.  Taking pictures has allowed me to appreciate it all.  It teaches me to learn to love my life no matter what the circumstance is surrounding it. 

Anyway, I won't go on and on here, as I've already gone for longer then I thought I would.  I just mainly wanted to show you some of the pictures.  I'm so proud of them, and so happy for what they represent for me.  They represent good in a bad time.  They represent my therapy, and my way of lessening the feelings of gloom.

The Love of a Family

It's been  2 weeks since I've last posted a blog.  My reasoning is because every time I went to write something, it was going to be negative.  I woke up from my negative comatose state a few days ago, and feel much better.  I've realized how quickly I let it consume me.  The last few weeks have been many lessons learned for me. 
One for example, letting go.  My husband has an "ex" and for the respect of those of you who will read this, I will not say just what I'd like to call her.  But in all honesty, there are many, many words I could say, and they are mean and ugly.  The hurt that she has caused me and my family for the last 14 years goes far beyond over done.  She is just too much.  Too much of everything.  She has been a thorn in my side since the day I met my husband.  We have been married for 12 years, don't you think it's time she get over it?  GET OVER IT WOMAN!!!  Anyway, back to when I realized I need to "let go".  I was stressing over and over again because of her, and what she was doing.  I was feeling overwhelmed, and angry and I was letting HER consume me.  What was I doing that for?  I mean haven't I learned that the less you pay attention to someone the more annoying it is for them?  The less they get to you the more annoying for them, and the more angry they become?  Well, that wasn't why I let it go.  I let it go because I couldn't carry it anymore.  I let it go because I knew that my husband was going to continue to make the same mistakes when it comes to her, and handling her.  I knew that if I didn't let it go, I was going to lose part of myself in that anger, and that bitterness.  So, I let it go. 

After doing that, I started to feel better with other things as well.  I started to just let this huge black cloud hanging over my head go.  We are still struggling financially, but there are some projects on the horizon.  There is hope that this long dark road is starting to come to an end.  My family has been so amazing with support.  My mother and sisters took me to dinner for my birthday, and my sister Rose said that they all had to say 3 nice things about me during desert.  Wow was that the most amazing thing.  Of course I started to cry, but it was because I was so incredibly grateful for those 3 women sitting around the table with me.  Each one of them loving me so much they would give me their last piece of bread.  They would go without whatever they had to so that my babies have food.  They said the most beautiful things to me, and they meant them.  How can I be sad, and bitter when I have that in my life??  I am so lucky, and so blessed.  It gives me this overwhelming sense that everything is going to be ok.  It is going to be ok.

It is all going to be ok because I have the love of a family that will guide me to the light.  They will hold my hand through the darkest of days until I have been guided to the light.  Thank you God.

Wishing you all a wonderful, blessed day today!!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Tonight I wanted to share a special poem with you.  It's a poem I found several years ago, and had quickly become one of my favorites.  When I was thinking about the things that are currently going on in my life today, this poem came to mind.  I thought how fitting, and I wondered if there was a reason why it came to mind.  I basically interpret it as saying that no matter how tough things get, and how bad things around you seem there is always a place you can go.  A moment to turn to to make things feel whole again.  To feel better again.  Things have escalated so rapidly here because of our financial means, and it has caused many, many things to spin out of control.  It's effecting the husband in a way that I worry he will be passed the point of no return soon.  This last year I've seen major changes in him that make my heart ache.   He has a huge amount of pride, and when that is jeopardized I see him go quickly into "survival" mode.  It may be ok for him, but what that alone does to me and the children is scary and lonely.  The bottom line?  I want my husband back. 

Anyway, I won't go further with this right now.  I just want to head to bed and start a brand new day tomorrow!  I will leave you now with the poem.  Let me know what you think of it! God Bless! 

Turn Your Face To The Sun
by Maithri Goonet

There are days when nothing seems right. When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken. When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly. When comforts are empty. And the world is noise.

On those jagged edged days, when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands. And you find yourself all alone.

Turn your face to the sun.

There is goodness in the world, that even the river of tears cannot erase.

There is love in the world, that the numbed armies of fear can not destroy.

Sometimes that goodness is everywhere apparent. It pours from the heart of every moment. From the light of every smile.

On those soft days, love hides in the eaves to drop like sweet honey on your forehead and sings her lilting lullabies in the arms of the winds.

But on some days, Beloved. On days like today....

We need to look, to see.

So turn your face to the sun.

Even when she is nowhere to be seen.

Go inside yourself. Find a speck, a splinter of beauty to be grateful for.

'Yes', the day has worn you. And 'Yes' our mistakes have been so many.

But say 'Thank you' anyway.

Take account of all that is in your possession.

A mind. A heart. A body.

A life that breathes, even if for just one more day.

Now count the eyes that have smiled
at you on your wild journey,

the hands that have held you tenderly,

the ears that have listened,

the prayers that have been made on your behalf.

And whisper your 'Thank you' again.

Count the sky that has watched you grow
with His painted eyes,

The heaving waves that find their echo
in the tides of your breathing,

The little birds that have sung
you their songs,

The stars which have been a lamp
to your path,
and are your
rightful inheritance.

Count unexpected laughter,

Count undeserved grace,

Count Passion and Love making and Dreams yet to be born,

And bow your head and say 'thank you',

Now count the lives who still need your light,

The hungry, the sick, the helpless,

Count the children who will die today

and imagine if with the breath of your body
you could help just

Turn your face to the sun,
And know yourself as a child of the light.

You are the Goodness that cannot be extinguished,

The love that burns through the darkest night.

And perhaps,
In turning
You will see what i have seen,
that this day where everything seemed wrong,
was not your curse,

It was your gift,

Your chance...

To find inside yourself a forgotten 'thank you',

To smile in the face of the grim suppressors,

To stand in the heart of the glowering darkness
and turn your face to the sun.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Pulling my hair out

It's only 9am and already I've had two wrestling matches to break up, an "I hate my Life" statement to deal with, a spilled bowl of mini wheats all over the living room floor, I've said shhhh let Daddy sleep he just got home from work 67 times, make that 68, already cleaned two rooms, took down two tents that were ungracefully constructed on the TV, had to go on a search for the dog because when you don't see her or hear her that means she's found a treasure in one of the rooms and I will have to go doggy mouth digging gag, had to make 2 pots of coffee because the first went cold before I could take one sip, swept up the coffee grinds after I so gracefully dropped them (that is one of the most annoying things to me, especially when they get wet and you can't pick them up LOL) went through 8 AA batteries in hopes that the toys they were going in would occupy them just a while longer....PHEW I suppose there is more that happened, but I think you get the idea.

Here we go again with another reason why I hate the half wall in my bedroom.  WHAT was the husband thinking???? Clearly he wasn't thinking we'd have any kids... Yeah he was thinking that, but when it came time to actually construct that WALL I had little Kevin in the oven already.  He must have been envisioning the quietest of life for us.  That makes me laugh out loud!  Since he's been remodeling his brothers pizza shop he works from 830pm to 7am.  I have the worst time sleeping when he's not here because I hear every single solitary sound and jump, or have to look down the first floor stairs 20 times an hour.  I'm not usually afraid, well atleast I thought I wasn't, but clearly I'm a big chicken!  It used to help having Montana, and it does help having Coco, even though Coco is only 10 pounds, she barks at the first sound of a car in the driveway so I know I would be warned if anyone ever did come here. 

Anyway, so the deal is I try to keep the kids quiet so he can sleep.  He usually sleeps until 12 noon, then he has to go do the other jobs he has.  He can't possibly be sleeping today.  There is no way he has been able to sleep through this.  I just can't wait for this job to be done.  There are so many reasons why, but the main one is I would like my family back.  I'm a huge freak for routine.  I like to keep things the same for the most part, it really helps me keep things from going haywire with a family of 5.  I would like my husband back.  I only see him for maybe 20 minutes to an hour tops.  He looks awful, and feels awful.  He's extremely cranky and miserable, and he's just not himself at all.  I would like to let my kids play and be kids on the weekends especially after a long school week rather than sit here and say shhhh Daddy's sleeping over and over until my eyes pop out of my head.  It's stressful for all of us, and it's making the kids on edge, and do things they wouldn't normally do.  They are completely at eachothers throats now, which to an extent they have always been the type of kids to bicker and get on eachothers nerves.  Usually they will fall into a good session of playing but there is usually always some type of riff between them going on at some point in the day.  I'm sure they will out grow that, but lately they have been really getting at eachother, and I strongly believe it's the stress they are feeling from the situations around them with Mommy and Daddy.......sigh

My sister in law invited us over to her house for a movie night, and she invited the kids to sleep over.  I'm not sure I feel ok with leaving all 3 of them there though.  She's never had them all at once, and she's never had them for more then an hour and that was over 2 years ago.  She now has a one year old, and I am alittle worried about letting them stay the night.  They really want to though, she has a 3D wide screen HUGE tv and the Wii, so my son Kevin is like foaming at the mouth to get his hands on that.  LOL So funny how he is with anything electronic.  He just loves it.  I may just do the movie and snacks and then come home.  Although without a car I doubt we can do any of it.  I'm sure the husband is working tonight as well..... AHHHHHHHHHH

Friday, March 9, 2012

What day is it?

TGIF!  LOL It's funny how those four letters have changed for me now that I am a Mother, and Wife.  15 years ago, TGIF meant dancing, drinking, dancing, drinking, laughing over really silly jokes thanks to the drinking part.  New outfits once a week, new shoes as soon as the pay check hit the bank account.  Top notch make up, hair was always done, perfect highlights, nails done and without a chip, or a smudge.  Now a days if I'm lucky to find the time to paint my nails, I can almost bet there will be atleast 2 fingers smudged, 1 to 3 will have paint on the cuticles.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not complaining.  So much about those nights though fun, I do not miss one bit of.  I have to say what I remember most about those times, on the fond end is that I had a great group of girl friends.  There were endless nights of just pure fun.  We were attractive, and always in a cluster.  People who knew us always associated us as a pack.  We had movie night each week at a different persons house.  We'd always do it on a Wednesday so we could watch Ally Mcbeal.  We had nacho cheese Doritos with ranch dip on the side.  Wine, and laughter.  We shopped together, ate out together.  We were inseparable for years.  What I hated most about those times?  Being alone.  I never had a boyfriend throughout those years.  I mean sure I dated, and I had some bad boys I was in a pretend relationship with.  I say pretend, because it was definitely not anything substantial.  They were bad boys in every sense of the word, treated me horrible, and I chased them like a free bird looking for food.  Ridiculous.  All of my girlfriends always had a long term serious relationship.  Usually with a guy I had first admired.  One friend in particular would literally hit on every guy I liked, or even so much as said he was cute.  Funny thing about that pack we had, there's only 3 of us left.  The friendships died with the deejayed nights. 

My new weekend regime, though different, is just as special.  I enjoy nothing more than a lazy Saturday morning, with a hot cup of coffee, the kids sleeping in, and playing at their leisure.  I do not miss those nights from back when even for a moment.  I will admit I miss the primping, and self pampering that I was able to do then.  I also miss being at home with my Mother, and her having coffee with me on Saturday morning, excited to hear all the events that took place the night before.   Because I can only do the "primping" thing once in a while now, I definitely appreciate it all the more.  I don't have the ability to buy new shoes each week, or keep up on the latest outfit trends, but when I am able to shop for clothes, or go to the city for some pampering, it freaking ROCKS!  LOL

I used to be able to stay up well passed 3 am.  Dancing until my feet felt like they were no longer attached to my body.  Now, 930pm is bed time.  I'm definitely more of a night person, as far as preference, but the necessity is to be a day person, so 930 bed time it is. 
Enjoy your Friday!! Whatever it is that makes the T in your TGIF, I hope you are enjoying it!!

God Bless!!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Black and Whites

I am having a Black and White photo week.  LOL That sounds funny.  We live in a rural area, surrounded by farm area.  Many are no longer occupied.  I am a sucker for an old barn.  I can picture them in all there glory, stock full of horses, children running around the field. 

I'm also a sucker for a beautiful sky.  Who isn't?!  Something about a lot of clouds, and a beautiful deep sky just make me feel better.  Perhaps I was an artist in a past life?  Yeah probably not.  I would love to go back to school and take a photography class.  I've thought about that a few times, but have yet to look into it fully.  It's really just a hobby, I'm not very good at it, but the main thing is that it makes me happy, and that's a good thing.  Hobbies should definitely make you happy. 

I hope you enjoy my little snap shots of the world surrounding me.  :)

Capturing a moment

I took this picture one day when the kids and I were walking home from the bus stop.  It is our driveway about half way up.  We are surrounded by 16 acres of woods.  It was taken on my cell phone.  I'm a fan of landscape pictures, and dramatic black and whites.  Photography is something I use as an outlet.  There is nothing I like more than finding beauty in a moment you would normally pass by.  With pictures you can capture any single moment, and have it forever.  It's profound for me.  When things are hard, and I am down, I pick up my camera and look at my world through the lens.  It helps me focus on the small things, and those small things, have helped me overcome some really bad days.

My children are very good about having a camera in their face most of the time.  LOL Especially my daughter.  God love her, that child is so patient with her Mamma.   I am pretty sure all 3 of my children's first word was "CHEEEEEESE".  I love that.  I love how they could be busy playing, or talking, and just doing their thing, and if Mommy brings the camera around they stop and look and pose!  It's just the cutest!

I'm starting to slowly rise out of my depression.  I've been feeling much, much better, and more positive.  If anything I was feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I wasn't being the best mother I could be, by worrying, and being down so much.  I don't want them to feel stress while my husband and I are struggling financially.  I want their lives to just go on as normal, carefree, and as it should be for a child.  They have helped me to wake up a bit and get out of this.  Just seeing them, and hearing about their days, the smiles they give when they see me.  For now, I'm just relishing the small moments.  The little bits and pieces of my day that make me smile.  It's helping me out tremendously!!!! 

On another note, my kids can be so funny.   Sometimes the things that fly out of their mouths leaves me in shock, or complete hysterics!!  It's really interesting how they perceive certain situations, and how they are learning to handle themselves as they mature.  My daughter, for the most part she is extremely giving, kind just full of love that girl.  Every once in a while though, especially when she is over tired she gets a bit moody.  She has these big giant dark eyes, and when she rolls them, it looks especially funny because they are normally so dark, so when she gets a rolling them she looks wacky!  She came home yesterday and I was in the kitchen preparing dinner.  She said " Ya know Mom, I'm about done with these boys in school, I mean what is wrong with them".  I chuckled and asked her what had happened "Well nothing in particular they are just kind of stinky, and they think things like boogers and eating them is funny"  Her words exactly!  I said "Well actually, it is probably going to get worse as you get older, they can do some pretty gross things from what I remember when I was in school"  She looked at me with this look of shear horror!  "What? What do you mean it's going to get worse?  Mom! Do you mean they never start smelling better?"  I about lost it after that!!!  LOL My daughter and the stinky boys!! LOL  Gotta love the honesty, and there ability to make you crack up in the middle of nowhere!!! One thing for sure, I don't think I will ever have to worry about her speaking her peace, and not taking much bull from anyone!  That's a great feeling.

Wishing everyone a beautiful, blessed day today!!!  May you see beauty in all the small moments as you go through you day.

God Bless!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


I wanted to take a moment to write about a pet of mine, a beautiful golden retriever that graced my life for 13 awesome years.  Since she grew her wings and flew to heaven, I have honestly lost a little peice of my heart.  I've been so sad about it, I've not been able to talk about it.  I cry instantly.  However, today I was thinking of some things I wanted to blog about, and she was the first thing that came to my mind.  She deserves a moment of Glory.  She was an angel on earth, and I really want to talk about her.  If anything else, to help me put it out there, and try to find some closure.  I bet you're thinking what kind of nut is this woman!  I am definitely a sad sap when it comes to my pets.  They are just as much my family as my children.  It's a fact. 

I remember the day I first saw her, like it was yesterday.  When I first moved in with my husband, then boyfriend,  we were living in a small place, that I just loved.  The property surrounding the house was unreal.  We would take the 4 wheeler down to this river, and spend hours there fishing, or have a bonfire, it was amazing.  We had been living together for around 6 months, it was fathers day.  He came home from work, so I thought, and had picked up his two sons from his first marriage, who were staying for the weekend.  He came in and asked me to go get his shirt from his truck.  Oh my god, I laugh now at the thought, but I was like, are you ill?  Go get it yourself fool! LMAO!! Seriously though, he knew he could have asked me to walk a mile to get his coat and the sucker for him I was (and still am) would have.  So out I went, rolling my eyes, smack talking all the way.  Jerk can't go get his own damn coat?  Probably left it in there on purpose just to see if I'd fetch it! sheesh!!!  I open up the front of the cab, and went to grab the coat, and all of a sudden two little brown eyes, and a furry head pop out from the middle of his coat!!  There she was, tiny, and fluffy, and sweet as can be.  Oh my god, I was madly, MADLY in love the moment I saw her.  She was precious in every sense of the word.  For years Kevins family used to joke that I was the dog lady because wherever I was, Montana was.  She followed me all day long.  As a puppy, and until she  was older she went with me all over.  My husband took her in the excavators and she would get lulled to sleep by the motion, and would lay at his feet for hours.  The concrete and haul truckers got to know and love her, and would often bring her treats, and play ball with her.  One time in particular they were pouring a foundation floor and she fell in, right smack in the middle of the pour, and they all loved her so much they didn't even care that they had to redo hours of work and lost hundreds of dollars.  They completely stopped what they were doing to get her cleaned up, and make sure she wasn't hurt. 
We came up with her name because at the time we were still undecided on what type of house we wanted to build, and where we would settle.  I remember my husband and I coming up with all different ideas, but none seemed right.  The night we got her, I was sitting on the front porch and she was all snuggled in my lap, and it was a beautiful night.  I had this vision of us sitting on a big beautiful front porch in our chairs over looking a beautiful lake in Montana, with our dog sitting next to us.  That was it.  Montana it was.  It fit her, it really did.

Everyone that came in contact with Montana would ask me where we trained her, and how we got her to be so well behaved.  We would always chuckle and say none, this is just her.  That was the truth.  She was mellow, and sweet, gentle and just plain precious.  She never wore a collar or a leash, except to go to the vet or the groomer, and even there when they got to know her, as soon as I walked her in the door her leash came off and she had free reign.  The day I had to put her down, she followed behind me right passed five other dogs nipping and barking, and walked right into the room.  I wish she hadn't, I wish she had turned and run away.  I wish with all of my heart that she was sitting here next to me instead of me telling this story.
In all honesty, there is nothing bad that I could say, I could tell you hours and hours of stories, of companionship and loyalty.  I just don't have it in me.  This point so far has taken more out of me than I really should honestly admit.  To be honest, I feel a little silly sometimes because of how profound my love for her is.  Her death was as horrible as any other family member.  I don't know why I can't grieve and move on.  I seem to just keep holding on to the sadness, and the fact that she won't be coming back.  I should learn from my children and their resilience.  Though they have also greived, and had some days still of tears and sadness, it's amazing to me how they are able to come to terms with it, and my oldest even being happy for her in heaven.  I'm so proud of my children, I really am.

A year ago, I had been speaking to a friend of mine who suggested we bring another dog into the family before we lose Montana, as she had done so and it helped her family profoundly after their dog died.  We welcomed Ms. Coco Pebbles on December 11, 2010.  She is a toy pekegnese, and an absolute joy.  I've never had a "lap" dog before, and it's been so fun.  She is a fantastic cuddle bug!  She and I hang on the couch every evening watching tv, all snuggled up.  I'm very thankful we had her after Montana grew her wings.  She did help us so much.   Though, things just never seem quite "right" without my pretty girl.
I think that for me, the best part about Montana was her undying love, and friendship she gave me.  She was my best friend, and loved me no matter what.  Funny thing about pets, their love is always steadfast and unconditional.  If only humanity could learn a lesson from them. 

Forgive me for the length of this post, and I wouldn't blame anyone for not having made it this far.  I really needed to do this though.  I needed to put her out there, give her a shining moment.  She is and always was alittle bit of my heart, and I feel blessed beyond measure to have had her in my life for the time that I did.

These are two of the more recent pictures of her.   She was so beautiful.  The bottom pic is where she would be every night at dinner.  I sat in the seat right next to her.  She knew who would give in and get her the goods! LOL

These are two of my favorite pictures of Coco.  She is such a little sweetpea.  I was also quite lucky in the behavior department with her.  She has had no formal training, but is an absolute joy.  She has MANY fans.  My mother and sister are both in love and have said they are going to take her one day.  LOL  She really is very special.  I have a feeling God hand selected her, because of her lovable personality, because he knew how my heart would need a helping hand after losing Montana.  :) Yes, I know I'm a complete SAP! LOL I can't help myself!  I'm sure I would have a house full of pets if I was able. 
......And so my friends, that is my story with the sad ending.  I know that Montana is in good hands in heaven, and waiting for me in the beautiful pasture passed the rainbow bridge.  With that I will leave you with a poem I recieved after her death, and though sad, it was one thing that gave me a wonderful feeling picturing her in the pasture beyond.  God Bless!

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...