Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Vent Session

We have three tetris ponds in the front of our house.  My husband built them a few years ago.  We've had a lot of trouble with them, the fountain worked for a year, then that went on us.  The bottom pond had to be replaced twice because it got a mysterious hole in the bottom.  We had rocks in between each pond, and a filter system that would allow the water to go around and down into the bottom pond.  But you so much as sneezed on that sucker and the ponds would be emptied on the lawn by morning.  We even had beautiful gold fish at one point.  That turned out to be a bad idea though as well, because the kids got really attached to them, and loved feeding them until it came time for winter and we had to find a new home for them.  The kids cried for days that we lost their gold fish. 

Anyway, so last year we sort of gave up on them, and just let them have water in them.  We have to bleech them out all of the time though because otherwise frogs take over.  ( we live in the woods)  Well I don't know if it's because of the fact that the ground is drier this year and the frogs have no where to go or what, but we are over run with frogs and frog eggs.  When I was a kid I used to LOVE walking up and down the road in spring time until I found a perfect batch of eggs and loading them in my bucket and took care of them until they hatched.  Well last count the bottom pond has 18 sacks, the middle has 11 and the top has 2.  Our pool has had 4 but I refuse to let them get more then a minute old there, so I have already taken those out!  I brought one huge batch to school this morning for my son Aydens kindergarten class to hatch, and had a few more offers on the way out from other teachers.  I'm kind of hoping I can give them all away rather than having to "get rid" of them.  The thing is if we don't get rid of them we are going to have thousands upon thousands of frogs.  As it is now we had to learn how to live with the sound of them.  We've learned alot about frogs, and how they communicate.  The different sounds they make to call out to eachother as they move closer and closer to eachother.  My kids think it's hysterical and love to share it with the other kids at school.  They were very proud walking in today with all the other kids and teachers asking them all about it.  Too bad I couldn't sell them, that would be a good quick way to make a few dollars!! haha!

Earlier in the week the husbands Dad went for a small procedure to be done on his heart, but it worked out in the end and they only ended up just looking at everything and not having to repair it.  My husband was very worried about him, and even drove him down to the appointment.  I knew right away once he volunteered to do that he must of been very worried.  He almost never even calls him, he always leaves it up to me to make the calls, and keep the family happy.  Have I mentioned before now how grumpy my husband is?  Don't get me wrong I love that man, lord knows I do.  Grumpy ways and all, but sometimes that constant negative demeanor can be very exhausting.  For example last night we went to my sons first band concert, and literally for the entire time we were getting ready he was yelling, and bellowing the entire time.  By the time we got out the door we were so incredibly stressed out I felt like my blood pressure was through the roof!! 

Another issue I have is, I can never lay on the couch and relax.  Even if it's on a Saturday and I've worked both of my jobs all week long, one well into the middle of the night, he would have a fit if I were to lay on the couch.  Well since he's been short on jobs, he's been home all the time now.  He only goes to our office when I do.  It used to be that Tuesday and Thursdays were devoted to me staying home, catching up on housework and doing my job.  Well now he is home during those days and sits on the couch watching Jerry Springer, and Judge Judy all day.  I can't stand it anymore.  If I ever even thought about laying on the couch and watching a show he'd have something to say immediately.  I can really see how financial strains puts stress on your marriage.  It's almost impossible to sometimes not get into an argument because the tension is so high.  I want to figure a way to work though this, but some of the changes that he has adopted into his personality are really hard on me.  I haven't sat and watched a full tv show in almost 2 years.  I'm angry at myself for ever putting up with that behavior from him, but as it is now if I were to sit down for a minute, and I hear him come in, I instinctively jump up and start cleaning.  This is ridiuclous!! Absolutely ridiculous!  I'm starting to become very, very bitter, and that completely terrifies me.  He even said himself the best way for him to ever get jobs, and how it's always been for him is by him getting out there and seeing people.  That's usually how he gets his jobs.  Well when he needs a very large amount of money to come up with tomorrow, you would think he would have found a better way to use up his time today.  Rather than waiting until it's time for us to all sit down and have dinner that's when he decides to go out.  I just do not get it.

Thank you for allowing me to vent this all here.  It's a great thing to be able to just put it out there and then move on from it. 

God Bless!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Natural Therapy

Since I have been feeling depressed the last few months, I started taking more pictures.  I started to appreciate my surroundings.  The realization that I could lose my house at any given moment taught me a very valuable lesson.  Enjoy what you have.   Relish the small things.  Live for the moment.  It may sound cliche' but it works for me.  When I stop focusing on all the negatives and look for small, beautiful, positive things, I feel good.   I feel free.  I feel happy.  In the middle of all of that I taught my children, without knowing I was doing it, to look at the beauty surrounding them as well.  Out of nowhere they'll say Mommy get your camera, look how pretty the sky looks, or Mommy take a picture of this!  For the last several weeks, I have taken a picture of the sky, and our house every single day.  Sometimes I just start snapping and will go back and look at them later in the day and I am always pleasantly surprised at the outcome.  Just one moment, just one fragment of the day frozen.  The sky is the most amazing thing when you look at it.  The clouds, the colors, the birds flying free.  There's always something to appreciate. 

"Look at the trees, look at the birds, look at the clouds, look at the stars... and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful. Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance. Look at the flowers - for no reason. It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are." ~Osho

When I slow down and just relish my surroundings, it's a great feeling.  A peace that over comes you, and makes all the chaos go away for a moment.  Though, I would not wish what we have gone through on any other family, there are parts of it, that I have come to appreciate.  Because it has taught me to look through the darkness and see what's good around me.  Finding those small things that make me appreciate life in itself.  It's not always easy to just appreciate what you do have, and forget the bad things, or the things you don't have.  That's very hard to learn, for me anyway.  Though I know I should always be grateful for what I have, when you feel threatened, you forget the little things that are good, and surrounding you.  Taking pictures has allowed me to appreciate it all.  It teaches me to learn to love my life no matter what the circumstance is surrounding it. 

Anyway, I won't go on and on here, as I've already gone for longer then I thought I would.  I just mainly wanted to show you some of the pictures.  I'm so proud of them, and so happy for what they represent for me.  They represent good in a bad time.  They represent my therapy, and my way of lessening the feelings of gloom.

The Love of a Family

It's been  2 weeks since I've last posted a blog.  My reasoning is because every time I went to write something, it was going to be negative.  I woke up from my negative comatose state a few days ago, and feel much better.  I've realized how quickly I let it consume me.  The last few weeks have been many lessons learned for me. 
One for example, letting go.  My husband has an "ex" and for the respect of those of you who will read this, I will not say just what I'd like to call her.  But in all honesty, there are many, many words I could say, and they are mean and ugly.  The hurt that she has caused me and my family for the last 14 years goes far beyond over done.  She is just too much.  Too much of everything.  She has been a thorn in my side since the day I met my husband.  We have been married for 12 years, don't you think it's time she get over it?  GET OVER IT WOMAN!!!  Anyway, back to when I realized I need to "let go".  I was stressing over and over again because of her, and what she was doing.  I was feeling overwhelmed, and angry and I was letting HER consume me.  What was I doing that for?  I mean haven't I learned that the less you pay attention to someone the more annoying it is for them?  The less they get to you the more annoying for them, and the more angry they become?  Well, that wasn't why I let it go.  I let it go because I couldn't carry it anymore.  I let it go because I knew that my husband was going to continue to make the same mistakes when it comes to her, and handling her.  I knew that if I didn't let it go, I was going to lose part of myself in that anger, and that bitterness.  So, I let it go. 

After doing that, I started to feel better with other things as well.  I started to just let this huge black cloud hanging over my head go.  We are still struggling financially, but there are some projects on the horizon.  There is hope that this long dark road is starting to come to an end.  My family has been so amazing with support.  My mother and sisters took me to dinner for my birthday, and my sister Rose said that they all had to say 3 nice things about me during desert.  Wow was that the most amazing thing.  Of course I started to cry, but it was because I was so incredibly grateful for those 3 women sitting around the table with me.  Each one of them loving me so much they would give me their last piece of bread.  They would go without whatever they had to so that my babies have food.  They said the most beautiful things to me, and they meant them.  How can I be sad, and bitter when I have that in my life??  I am so lucky, and so blessed.  It gives me this overwhelming sense that everything is going to be ok.  It is going to be ok.

It is all going to be ok because I have the love of a family that will guide me to the light.  They will hold my hand through the darkest of days until I have been guided to the light.  Thank you God.

Wishing you all a wonderful, blessed day today!!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Tonight I wanted to share a special poem with you.  It's a poem I found several years ago, and had quickly become one of my favorites.  When I was thinking about the things that are currently going on in my life today, this poem came to mind.  I thought how fitting, and I wondered if there was a reason why it came to mind.  I basically interpret it as saying that no matter how tough things get, and how bad things around you seem there is always a place you can go.  A moment to turn to to make things feel whole again.  To feel better again.  Things have escalated so rapidly here because of our financial means, and it has caused many, many things to spin out of control.  It's effecting the husband in a way that I worry he will be passed the point of no return soon.  This last year I've seen major changes in him that make my heart ache.   He has a huge amount of pride, and when that is jeopardized I see him go quickly into "survival" mode.  It may be ok for him, but what that alone does to me and the children is scary and lonely.  The bottom line?  I want my husband back. 

Anyway, I won't go further with this right now.  I just want to head to bed and start a brand new day tomorrow!  I will leave you now with the poem.  Let me know what you think of it! God Bless! 

Turn Your Face To The Sun
by Maithri Goonet

There are days when nothing seems right. When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken. When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly. When comforts are empty. And the world is noise.

On those jagged edged days, when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands. And you find yourself all alone.

Turn your face to the sun.

There is goodness in the world, that even the river of tears cannot erase.

There is love in the world, that the numbed armies of fear can not destroy.

Sometimes that goodness is everywhere apparent. It pours from the heart of every moment. From the light of every smile.

On those soft days, love hides in the eaves to drop like sweet honey on your forehead and sings her lilting lullabies in the arms of the winds.

But on some days, Beloved. On days like today....

We need to look, to see.

So turn your face to the sun.

Even when she is nowhere to be seen.

Go inside yourself. Find a speck, a splinter of beauty to be grateful for.

'Yes', the day has worn you. And 'Yes' our mistakes have been so many.

But say 'Thank you' anyway.

Take account of all that is in your possession.

A mind. A heart. A body.

A life that breathes, even if for just one more day.

Now count the eyes that have smiled
at you on your wild journey,

the hands that have held you tenderly,

the ears that have listened,

the prayers that have been made on your behalf.

And whisper your 'Thank you' again.

Count the sky that has watched you grow
with His painted eyes,

The heaving waves that find their echo
in the tides of your breathing,

The little birds that have sung
you their songs,

The stars which have been a lamp
to your path,
and are your
rightful inheritance.

Count unexpected laughter,

Count undeserved grace,

Count Passion and Love making and Dreams yet to be born,

And bow your head and say 'thank you',

Now count the lives who still need your light,

The hungry, the sick, the helpless,

Count the children who will die today

and imagine if with the breath of your body
you could help just

Turn your face to the sun,
And know yourself as a child of the light.

You are the Goodness that cannot be extinguished,

The love that burns through the darkest night.

And perhaps,
In turning
You will see what i have seen,
that this day where everything seemed wrong,
was not your curse,

It was your gift,

Your chance...

To find inside yourself a forgotten 'thank you',

To smile in the face of the grim suppressors,

To stand in the heart of the glowering darkness
and turn your face to the sun.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Pulling my hair out

It's only 9am and already I've had two wrestling matches to break up, an "I hate my Life" statement to deal with, a spilled bowl of mini wheats all over the living room floor, I've said shhhh let Daddy sleep he just got home from work 67 times, make that 68, already cleaned two rooms, took down two tents that were ungracefully constructed on the TV, had to go on a search for the dog because when you don't see her or hear her that means she's found a treasure in one of the rooms and I will have to go doggy mouth digging gag, had to make 2 pots of coffee because the first went cold before I could take one sip, swept up the coffee grinds after I so gracefully dropped them (that is one of the most annoying things to me, especially when they get wet and you can't pick them up LOL) went through 8 AA batteries in hopes that the toys they were going in would occupy them just a while longer....PHEW I suppose there is more that happened, but I think you get the idea.

Here we go again with another reason why I hate the half wall in my bedroom.  WHAT was the husband thinking???? Clearly he wasn't thinking we'd have any kids... Yeah he was thinking that, but when it came time to actually construct that WALL I had little Kevin in the oven already.  He must have been envisioning the quietest of life for us.  That makes me laugh out loud!  Since he's been remodeling his brothers pizza shop he works from 830pm to 7am.  I have the worst time sleeping when he's not here because I hear every single solitary sound and jump, or have to look down the first floor stairs 20 times an hour.  I'm not usually afraid, well atleast I thought I wasn't, but clearly I'm a big chicken!  It used to help having Montana, and it does help having Coco, even though Coco is only 10 pounds, she barks at the first sound of a car in the driveway so I know I would be warned if anyone ever did come here. 

Anyway, so the deal is I try to keep the kids quiet so he can sleep.  He usually sleeps until 12 noon, then he has to go do the other jobs he has.  He can't possibly be sleeping today.  There is no way he has been able to sleep through this.  I just can't wait for this job to be done.  There are so many reasons why, but the main one is I would like my family back.  I'm a huge freak for routine.  I like to keep things the same for the most part, it really helps me keep things from going haywire with a family of 5.  I would like my husband back.  I only see him for maybe 20 minutes to an hour tops.  He looks awful, and feels awful.  He's extremely cranky and miserable, and he's just not himself at all.  I would like to let my kids play and be kids on the weekends especially after a long school week rather than sit here and say shhhh Daddy's sleeping over and over until my eyes pop out of my head.  It's stressful for all of us, and it's making the kids on edge, and do things they wouldn't normally do.  They are completely at eachothers throats now, which to an extent they have always been the type of kids to bicker and get on eachothers nerves.  Usually they will fall into a good session of playing but there is usually always some type of riff between them going on at some point in the day.  I'm sure they will out grow that, but lately they have been really getting at eachother, and I strongly believe it's the stress they are feeling from the situations around them with Mommy and Daddy.......sigh

My sister in law invited us over to her house for a movie night, and she invited the kids to sleep over.  I'm not sure I feel ok with leaving all 3 of them there though.  She's never had them all at once, and she's never had them for more then an hour and that was over 2 years ago.  She now has a one year old, and I am alittle worried about letting them stay the night.  They really want to though, she has a 3D wide screen HUGE tv and the Wii, so my son Kevin is like foaming at the mouth to get his hands on that.  LOL So funny how he is with anything electronic.  He just loves it.  I may just do the movie and snacks and then come home.  Although without a car I doubt we can do any of it.  I'm sure the husband is working tonight as well..... AHHHHHHHHHH

Friday, March 9, 2012

What day is it?

TGIF!  LOL It's funny how those four letters have changed for me now that I am a Mother, and Wife.  15 years ago, TGIF meant dancing, drinking, dancing, drinking, laughing over really silly jokes thanks to the drinking part.  New outfits once a week, new shoes as soon as the pay check hit the bank account.  Top notch make up, hair was always done, perfect highlights, nails done and without a chip, or a smudge.  Now a days if I'm lucky to find the time to paint my nails, I can almost bet there will be atleast 2 fingers smudged, 1 to 3 will have paint on the cuticles.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not complaining.  So much about those nights though fun, I do not miss one bit of.  I have to say what I remember most about those times, on the fond end is that I had a great group of girl friends.  There were endless nights of just pure fun.  We were attractive, and always in a cluster.  People who knew us always associated us as a pack.  We had movie night each week at a different persons house.  We'd always do it on a Wednesday so we could watch Ally Mcbeal.  We had nacho cheese Doritos with ranch dip on the side.  Wine, and laughter.  We shopped together, ate out together.  We were inseparable for years.  What I hated most about those times?  Being alone.  I never had a boyfriend throughout those years.  I mean sure I dated, and I had some bad boys I was in a pretend relationship with.  I say pretend, because it was definitely not anything substantial.  They were bad boys in every sense of the word, treated me horrible, and I chased them like a free bird looking for food.  Ridiculous.  All of my girlfriends always had a long term serious relationship.  Usually with a guy I had first admired.  One friend in particular would literally hit on every guy I liked, or even so much as said he was cute.  Funny thing about that pack we had, there's only 3 of us left.  The friendships died with the deejayed nights. 

My new weekend regime, though different, is just as special.  I enjoy nothing more than a lazy Saturday morning, with a hot cup of coffee, the kids sleeping in, and playing at their leisure.  I do not miss those nights from back when even for a moment.  I will admit I miss the primping, and self pampering that I was able to do then.  I also miss being at home with my Mother, and her having coffee with me on Saturday morning, excited to hear all the events that took place the night before.   Because I can only do the "primping" thing once in a while now, I definitely appreciate it all the more.  I don't have the ability to buy new shoes each week, or keep up on the latest outfit trends, but when I am able to shop for clothes, or go to the city for some pampering, it freaking ROCKS!  LOL

I used to be able to stay up well passed 3 am.  Dancing until my feet felt like they were no longer attached to my body.  Now, 930pm is bed time.  I'm definitely more of a night person, as far as preference, but the necessity is to be a day person, so 930 bed time it is. 
Enjoy your Friday!! Whatever it is that makes the T in your TGIF, I hope you are enjoying it!!

God Bless!!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Black and Whites

I am having a Black and White photo week.  LOL That sounds funny.  We live in a rural area, surrounded by farm area.  Many are no longer occupied.  I am a sucker for an old barn.  I can picture them in all there glory, stock full of horses, children running around the field. 

I'm also a sucker for a beautiful sky.  Who isn't?!  Something about a lot of clouds, and a beautiful deep sky just make me feel better.  Perhaps I was an artist in a past life?  Yeah probably not.  I would love to go back to school and take a photography class.  I've thought about that a few times, but have yet to look into it fully.  It's really just a hobby, I'm not very good at it, but the main thing is that it makes me happy, and that's a good thing.  Hobbies should definitely make you happy. 

I hope you enjoy my little snap shots of the world surrounding me.  :)

Capturing a moment

I took this picture one day when the kids and I were walking home from the bus stop.  It is our driveway about half way up.  We are surrounded by 16 acres of woods.  It was taken on my cell phone.  I'm a fan of landscape pictures, and dramatic black and whites.  Photography is something I use as an outlet.  There is nothing I like more than finding beauty in a moment you would normally pass by.  With pictures you can capture any single moment, and have it forever.  It's profound for me.  When things are hard, and I am down, I pick up my camera and look at my world through the lens.  It helps me focus on the small things, and those small things, have helped me overcome some really bad days.

My children are very good about having a camera in their face most of the time.  LOL Especially my daughter.  God love her, that child is so patient with her Mamma.   I am pretty sure all 3 of my children's first word was "CHEEEEEESE".  I love that.  I love how they could be busy playing, or talking, and just doing their thing, and if Mommy brings the camera around they stop and look and pose!  It's just the cutest!

I'm starting to slowly rise out of my depression.  I've been feeling much, much better, and more positive.  If anything I was feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I wasn't being the best mother I could be, by worrying, and being down so much.  I don't want them to feel stress while my husband and I are struggling financially.  I want their lives to just go on as normal, carefree, and as it should be for a child.  They have helped me to wake up a bit and get out of this.  Just seeing them, and hearing about their days, the smiles they give when they see me.  For now, I'm just relishing the small moments.  The little bits and pieces of my day that make me smile.  It's helping me out tremendously!!!! 

On another note, my kids can be so funny.   Sometimes the things that fly out of their mouths leaves me in shock, or complete hysterics!!  It's really interesting how they perceive certain situations, and how they are learning to handle themselves as they mature.  My daughter, for the most part she is extremely giving, kind just full of love that girl.  Every once in a while though, especially when she is over tired she gets a bit moody.  She has these big giant dark eyes, and when she rolls them, it looks especially funny because they are normally so dark, so when she gets a rolling them she looks wacky!  She came home yesterday and I was in the kitchen preparing dinner.  She said " Ya know Mom, I'm about done with these boys in school, I mean what is wrong with them".  I chuckled and asked her what had happened "Well nothing in particular they are just kind of stinky, and they think things like boogers and eating them is funny"  Her words exactly!  I said "Well actually, it is probably going to get worse as you get older, they can do some pretty gross things from what I remember when I was in school"  She looked at me with this look of shear horror!  "What? What do you mean it's going to get worse?  Mom! Do you mean they never start smelling better?"  I about lost it after that!!!  LOL My daughter and the stinky boys!! LOL  Gotta love the honesty, and there ability to make you crack up in the middle of nowhere!!! One thing for sure, I don't think I will ever have to worry about her speaking her peace, and not taking much bull from anyone!  That's a great feeling.

Wishing everyone a beautiful, blessed day today!!!  May you see beauty in all the small moments as you go through you day.

God Bless!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


I wanted to take a moment to write about a pet of mine, a beautiful golden retriever that graced my life for 13 awesome years.  Since she grew her wings and flew to heaven, I have honestly lost a little peice of my heart.  I've been so sad about it, I've not been able to talk about it.  I cry instantly.  However, today I was thinking of some things I wanted to blog about, and she was the first thing that came to my mind.  She deserves a moment of Glory.  She was an angel on earth, and I really want to talk about her.  If anything else, to help me put it out there, and try to find some closure.  I bet you're thinking what kind of nut is this woman!  I am definitely a sad sap when it comes to my pets.  They are just as much my family as my children.  It's a fact. 

I remember the day I first saw her, like it was yesterday.  When I first moved in with my husband, then boyfriend,  we were living in a small place, that I just loved.  The property surrounding the house was unreal.  We would take the 4 wheeler down to this river, and spend hours there fishing, or have a bonfire, it was amazing.  We had been living together for around 6 months, it was fathers day.  He came home from work, so I thought, and had picked up his two sons from his first marriage, who were staying for the weekend.  He came in and asked me to go get his shirt from his truck.  Oh my god, I laugh now at the thought, but I was like, are you ill?  Go get it yourself fool! LMAO!! Seriously though, he knew he could have asked me to walk a mile to get his coat and the sucker for him I was (and still am) would have.  So out I went, rolling my eyes, smack talking all the way.  Jerk can't go get his own damn coat?  Probably left it in there on purpose just to see if I'd fetch it! sheesh!!!  I open up the front of the cab, and went to grab the coat, and all of a sudden two little brown eyes, and a furry head pop out from the middle of his coat!!  There she was, tiny, and fluffy, and sweet as can be.  Oh my god, I was madly, MADLY in love the moment I saw her.  She was precious in every sense of the word.  For years Kevins family used to joke that I was the dog lady because wherever I was, Montana was.  She followed me all day long.  As a puppy, and until she  was older she went with me all over.  My husband took her in the excavators and she would get lulled to sleep by the motion, and would lay at his feet for hours.  The concrete and haul truckers got to know and love her, and would often bring her treats, and play ball with her.  One time in particular they were pouring a foundation floor and she fell in, right smack in the middle of the pour, and they all loved her so much they didn't even care that they had to redo hours of work and lost hundreds of dollars.  They completely stopped what they were doing to get her cleaned up, and make sure she wasn't hurt. 
We came up with her name because at the time we were still undecided on what type of house we wanted to build, and where we would settle.  I remember my husband and I coming up with all different ideas, but none seemed right.  The night we got her, I was sitting on the front porch and she was all snuggled in my lap, and it was a beautiful night.  I had this vision of us sitting on a big beautiful front porch in our chairs over looking a beautiful lake in Montana, with our dog sitting next to us.  That was it.  Montana it was.  It fit her, it really did.

Everyone that came in contact with Montana would ask me where we trained her, and how we got her to be so well behaved.  We would always chuckle and say none, this is just her.  That was the truth.  She was mellow, and sweet, gentle and just plain precious.  She never wore a collar or a leash, except to go to the vet or the groomer, and even there when they got to know her, as soon as I walked her in the door her leash came off and she had free reign.  The day I had to put her down, she followed behind me right passed five other dogs nipping and barking, and walked right into the room.  I wish she hadn't, I wish she had turned and run away.  I wish with all of my heart that she was sitting here next to me instead of me telling this story.
In all honesty, there is nothing bad that I could say, I could tell you hours and hours of stories, of companionship and loyalty.  I just don't have it in me.  This point so far has taken more out of me than I really should honestly admit.  To be honest, I feel a little silly sometimes because of how profound my love for her is.  Her death was as horrible as any other family member.  I don't know why I can't grieve and move on.  I seem to just keep holding on to the sadness, and the fact that she won't be coming back.  I should learn from my children and their resilience.  Though they have also greived, and had some days still of tears and sadness, it's amazing to me how they are able to come to terms with it, and my oldest even being happy for her in heaven.  I'm so proud of my children, I really am.

A year ago, I had been speaking to a friend of mine who suggested we bring another dog into the family before we lose Montana, as she had done so and it helped her family profoundly after their dog died.  We welcomed Ms. Coco Pebbles on December 11, 2010.  She is a toy pekegnese, and an absolute joy.  I've never had a "lap" dog before, and it's been so fun.  She is a fantastic cuddle bug!  She and I hang on the couch every evening watching tv, all snuggled up.  I'm very thankful we had her after Montana grew her wings.  She did help us so much.   Though, things just never seem quite "right" without my pretty girl.
I think that for me, the best part about Montana was her undying love, and friendship she gave me.  She was my best friend, and loved me no matter what.  Funny thing about pets, their love is always steadfast and unconditional.  If only humanity could learn a lesson from them. 

Forgive me for the length of this post, and I wouldn't blame anyone for not having made it this far.  I really needed to do this though.  I needed to put her out there, give her a shining moment.  She is and always was alittle bit of my heart, and I feel blessed beyond measure to have had her in my life for the time that I did.

These are two of the more recent pictures of her.   She was so beautiful.  The bottom pic is where she would be every night at dinner.  I sat in the seat right next to her.  She knew who would give in and get her the goods! LOL

These are two of my favorite pictures of Coco.  She is such a little sweetpea.  I was also quite lucky in the behavior department with her.  She has had no formal training, but is an absolute joy.  She has MANY fans.  My mother and sister are both in love and have said they are going to take her one day.  LOL  She really is very special.  I have a feeling God hand selected her, because of her lovable personality, because he knew how my heart would need a helping hand after losing Montana.  :) Yes, I know I'm a complete SAP! LOL I can't help myself!  I'm sure I would have a house full of pets if I was able. 
......And so my friends, that is my story with the sad ending.  I know that Montana is in good hands in heaven, and waiting for me in the beautiful pasture passed the rainbow bridge.  With that I will leave you with a poem I recieved after her death, and though sad, it was one thing that gave me a wonderful feeling picturing her in the pasture beyond.  God Bless!

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Time to Stop and Smile!

Well, it's time I admit how much of a downer I've been.  Really, really awful.  I feel just terrible about it, and I know that I have put so much stress on my family.  My poor Mother who is my faithful blog reader, has shed far too many tears on her computer keys on my behalf.  One thing for sure, she is my main stay, my light in the dark, without her and my 2 sisters, I would be in complete darkness.  My mother, as I've told you before, is one of the most unreal women I have ever known.  Not just because she's my mother, because she has proven without a shadow of a doubt, that she will survive.  She lost her husband in her 40's, nursed and cared for her prince with nothing short of awesome.  She lived on after him, even with a broken heart, and raised her 3 daughters completely.  She is steadfast, and amazing.  I've already told you about her breast cancer, but again, I remind myself, she fought for her life, and had not one shadow of doubt.  I can't help but use that as a way out of the dark.  Like wake up woman!!  Yes, I know it's always darker for someone else.  It could always be worse.  I have to keep that in mind, I do.  But more importantly, I just have to learn to get up, and live with our circumstance no matter what the day faces.  I am a mother, and it's time I stop living on what if's, and being afraid.  Sure, it's easier said than done.  I have a lot to learn in this department, but I am trying.

Here is a list of things I am grateful for right now; I still have my home.  Regardless of how many times we are threatened, we make that mortgage payment, and this home, this beautiful home, is still mine.  Maybe only for one more month, but I can't focus on that.  Today it's mine.

My 3 beautiful, god given, amazing children.  Oh my goodness, how blessed I am!!  My son Ayden is sick, the little foofman, has not been feeling well.  He was up all night coughing, and shaking and what is the first thing he did this morning?  He came rushing out of his room, proclaiming he had a huge secret to tell me!! Rushing as fast as he could, and came to my ear, and gave me a kiss.  A kiss!! That was my secret.  Now that is a good way to start the day.  My son Kevin, was just given a part in a music ensemble, that he auditioned for, and won!  He was so proud bringing me the news.  My daughter Annelyse, is sweet, and happy and cares for others before herself.  I am the lucky one, because I get to say they are mine.

My mother and sisters, would come for me and pick me up no matter what the circumstance.  They have proven over and over again, that they have got my back.  I mean they got my back!!  No matter what the phone call, no matter how many times I call crying, no matter how many things I have to say, they got it.  That is profound.

My husband.  We have had many ups and downs.  Yes, we have.  I'll be the first to admit, we are the complete opposites.  But I will say this, with not a shudder or a fear, that man will work his hands to the bone until he brings money into this house.  He will provide for us, and protect us, with his two hands no matter what.  He may be rough around the edges, and he may appear to be tough, but he loves me wholly and completely.  He is my warrior, and he is my love.

I have many, many more, and isn't that the exciting part?  I could keep going.  I could type more things I am thankful for.  That is what I am focusing on today.  Sure, tomorrow may not be so bright, but right now, in this moment, it is.  I have food, warmth, shelter, good health and love.  That is all I need today.

One thing, I think it is so important to remember as parents, is to stop rushing.  Stop focusing on our better futures.  Just once in a while, so we can focus on this moment.  This single solitary moment right here. 

God Bless!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Gloomy Saturday

What a gray, gloomy day it is!  The 3 monsters woke up extra early this morning!  The husband has been working over nights at his brothers pizza restaurant, as they are remodeling.  So he goes in from 9pm to 6am, then gets a few hours of sleep.  We live in a log cabin, and my husband had this amazing idea (note sarcasm) to make the upstairs, which is also where our bedroom is, all open.  So there is a half wall separating my room, from the house.  I don't even have to tell you the uncomfortable situations that can make do I?  LOL Didn't think so!  The other down side to it, is that when one wants to nap during the day, you pretty much have to put plugs in your ears, as well as two pillows on top of your head so you can block some of the noise out.  They have finally quieted down now, but it took a few hours!  They have been playing with these guns they constructed out of blocks for days.  Ayd has a problem holding his, because he makes them so long, they just keep falling apart.  After the forty fifth or so loud crash to the floor, and his fond exclamations, I finally convinced him to make a much smaller gun!! Phew!  So hopefully the husband is able to get some rest.  Or else, I'll have 4 cranky pants running about the house soon! 

Last night was a bit of a bad night for us.  The husband has also been doing some work for a beautiful farm down the road from us.  They have beautiful horses, and ponies, and a few other animals that you get to feed.  The kids LOVE it when he takes them there.  Last evening he was supposed to go down and do some finish work for a floor he poured, but the man called and said that one of the horses was in labor so he couldn't go.  The husband asked if there was any chance the kids could come and see the horse and her baby, and they happily said yes!  We were all so excited, I could hardly contain myself. 

However, when we pulled up I saw the vet van parked out front, and told the husband he better go check first, because I had a bad feeling.  Thank GOD for mothers intuition, because it was not a good outcome.  In fact, it was almost horror story quality.  I felt so awful, and sad, my stomach hurt for the rest of the night.  When the husband got back in the car, he just gave me the nod, and we quickly pulled away.  Of course the kids started to cry and ask why we were leaving, so I simply said the baby had to go to Heaven.  They took it  pretty well, and discussed who the baby horse was going to see when she got there.  They were very cute.  My oldest Kevin, had the hardest time, as well as Mommy.  The two of us just looked out the window and had our cry for the sweet baby horse that couldn't stay, and her Mommy who had to be broken from that. 
After my husband told me about what had happened, and believe me it's good that I'm sparing you the details, I got to thinking, how sometimes life can be so awful, and the things we have to witness are so scary.  He said the ranch hands had to do something very, very awful, and they were grown men standing in the stall just crying, and crying with their heads down.  The younger of the 2 men told my husband it was one of the worst things he has ever had to do.  I said a prayer for all of them, and the horse.  I'm so sad for her, and her baby.  I just hope that she feels ok, and somehow understands. 

So after all of that, we went to taco bell, and came home.  It was a pretty quiet night.   We all went to bed early, which I guess is why we all got up so early.  Today is going to be a lazy day.  I think I'll edit the rest of the pictures from our snow day last week, and make a new header for my blog for Spring.

Wishing you all a happy Saturday!!!


Friday, March 2, 2012

When I worry

This post I think will be my get all the things off my chest that have been consuming me post.  I'd like to paint a picture of a life that is easy, and wonderful, and the ever smiling Mommy.  But we all know if I did that I would be lying.  The economy has effected me and my family very badly over the last 2 years.  It has progressively gotten worse, and lead us to the point we are at now.  We are at rock bottom.  The money is gone, literally gone.  We've lived the last month off of 462 dollars worth of change we rolled, as well as food given to me by my mom and 2 sisters.  If I didn't have my family's support, we would be starving.  The scary part is I am not exaggerating even in the tiniest amount.  I wish I were.  The thing that has been challenging alot for me lately is my faith.  I believe that God has a plan for me, and my children, and even my husband, who I don't think always "believes".  The problem for me is that I look at my children, and I realize how profound it is, if we don't find a way to start getting a good income, and I become terrified.  That fear effects my faith.  I know it shouldn't, I really do.  I'm just being honest.  All out honest.  I have given many of my troubles to God, and asked for him to lead me.  There have been times where he has.  He has lead me out to the light.  The last few months however, have been very dark.  My main issue, and the reason I am so depressed is because I am simply terrified.  Terrified that we will lose my beautiful home, of which I am so in love with, and so proud of.  That my husband will be broken from all the pain he has endured, and for constantly feeling like a failure. 

I don't even know where to go from here.  I take it day by day, hour by hour, but some of those hours, and minutes are freaking nightmares.  We are driving one car, which we just paid off, and I'm so grateful for that.  However, it has bad brakes, and uses a ton of gas.  Most of the change we used over the last month went to gas for that car.  My husband and I own a construction company.  He literally works 16 to 20 hours per day!  Literally!  Yet, I don't have a single dollar to my name right now.  I can't justify that.  I can't even explain the rationality behind how that happened.  We are not frivolous spenders.  My children do not have a closet full of name brand clothes, and shoes.  In fact they are in need of clothes and shoes, and I can't do anything about it.  Relying on others to live day to day, is a hard pill to swallow.  Especially when there were times when we were making nearly a half a million dollars in a year.  The business we are in however requires a tremendous amount of over head.  The men it takes to keep it running and successful is a large quantity as well.  You have to have a lot of money to be successful in this business, and right now we are none of the above.  My husband has some flaws in this area.  He gives far more than he receives.  He has worked many days for free.  I try to understand, and I try to see his side of it, but at this point, I'm done trying that point of view.  I need to think about my 3 beautiful children, who deserve better than what they are getting, and right now I am not providing for them the way I should be.  That's very difficult to harbour.

I want to just wake up one morning, and not have any worries over me.  I want to sleep soundly one night without one startled wake up in complete panic, covered in sweat.  I want to go one full day without crying my eyes out because I'm completely terrified of my future.  The worst part of all of this, is I do not have a clue how we will get to tomorrow, and the day after that and so on.  When you have reached the bottom, they say there is only one way to go and that is up, but whoever said that, was wrong.  When you are at the bottom, you need money to start going up, and we don't have that.  The change is gone, the credit cards are gone, the cash is all gone.  It's all gone.  Now is when things will get turned off, the house will be foreclosed, the food will slowly go.  That is my fear, and right now my fears are my bitter reality.  I read the news about all of these people picketing on wall street, about who's the 1 percent.  What good is that doing?  I'm still unable to get health care for my family without having to pay nearly 2000 a month.  I'm still unable to take my children to the dentist without having to pay 200 dollars a visit.  Who cares who the 1 percent is right now, if all this talk and marching isn't doing a damn bit of good for the average person?  What good is being done by all of this?  I'm not seeing it.  Call me blind, call me ignorant, call me whatever you want, but I don't see anything at all happening to help the average living working person trying to dig themselves out of the huge hole this bad economy helped us dig. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming anyone for my misfortune.  I realize we got here because of a lot of misfortunate events.  I'm simply stating, that there is no need in my opinion to balk and carry on, when no one is listening, or doing anything about it.  All I want, is for my life to start being important.  For me to feel like a good mother in front of my children.  For me to make our lives comfortable.  We don't need diamonds, and fast cars, we just need food, health care, and a roof over our heads.  Sadly, it sounds simple, but today, that's one of the hardest things to accomplish.

I'm glad I got to put this all out there today.  I needed to verbalize it.  I needed to admit my fears out loud.  If nothing else, it helps me feel better for just this moment.  It feels good to put all of my flaws, and misgivings on the table. 

I would like to end with a few of my favorite quotes that I say to myself repeatedly.  I'd like to share them, in hopes that they will offer hope, and solace to someone else who may also be where I am right now.  God Bless!

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. – Martha Washington

All of us are born for a reason, but all of us don’t discover why. Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It’s what you do for others. – Danny Thomas