Friday, March 2, 2012

When I worry

This post I think will be my get all the things off my chest that have been consuming me post.  I'd like to paint a picture of a life that is easy, and wonderful, and the ever smiling Mommy.  But we all know if I did that I would be lying.  The economy has effected me and my family very badly over the last 2 years.  It has progressively gotten worse, and lead us to the point we are at now.  We are at rock bottom.  The money is gone, literally gone.  We've lived the last month off of 462 dollars worth of change we rolled, as well as food given to me by my mom and 2 sisters.  If I didn't have my family's support, we would be starving.  The scary part is I am not exaggerating even in the tiniest amount.  I wish I were.  The thing that has been challenging alot for me lately is my faith.  I believe that God has a plan for me, and my children, and even my husband, who I don't think always "believes".  The problem for me is that I look at my children, and I realize how profound it is, if we don't find a way to start getting a good income, and I become terrified.  That fear effects my faith.  I know it shouldn't, I really do.  I'm just being honest.  All out honest.  I have given many of my troubles to God, and asked for him to lead me.  There have been times where he has.  He has lead me out to the light.  The last few months however, have been very dark.  My main issue, and the reason I am so depressed is because I am simply terrified.  Terrified that we will lose my beautiful home, of which I am so in love with, and so proud of.  That my husband will be broken from all the pain he has endured, and for constantly feeling like a failure. 

I don't even know where to go from here.  I take it day by day, hour by hour, but some of those hours, and minutes are freaking nightmares.  We are driving one car, which we just paid off, and I'm so grateful for that.  However, it has bad brakes, and uses a ton of gas.  Most of the change we used over the last month went to gas for that car.  My husband and I own a construction company.  He literally works 16 to 20 hours per day!  Literally!  Yet, I don't have a single dollar to my name right now.  I can't justify that.  I can't even explain the rationality behind how that happened.  We are not frivolous spenders.  My children do not have a closet full of name brand clothes, and shoes.  In fact they are in need of clothes and shoes, and I can't do anything about it.  Relying on others to live day to day, is a hard pill to swallow.  Especially when there were times when we were making nearly a half a million dollars in a year.  The business we are in however requires a tremendous amount of over head.  The men it takes to keep it running and successful is a large quantity as well.  You have to have a lot of money to be successful in this business, and right now we are none of the above.  My husband has some flaws in this area.  He gives far more than he receives.  He has worked many days for free.  I try to understand, and I try to see his side of it, but at this point, I'm done trying that point of view.  I need to think about my 3 beautiful children, who deserve better than what they are getting, and right now I am not providing for them the way I should be.  That's very difficult to harbour.

I want to just wake up one morning, and not have any worries over me.  I want to sleep soundly one night without one startled wake up in complete panic, covered in sweat.  I want to go one full day without crying my eyes out because I'm completely terrified of my future.  The worst part of all of this, is I do not have a clue how we will get to tomorrow, and the day after that and so on.  When you have reached the bottom, they say there is only one way to go and that is up, but whoever said that, was wrong.  When you are at the bottom, you need money to start going up, and we don't have that.  The change is gone, the credit cards are gone, the cash is all gone.  It's all gone.  Now is when things will get turned off, the house will be foreclosed, the food will slowly go.  That is my fear, and right now my fears are my bitter reality.  I read the news about all of these people picketing on wall street, about who's the 1 percent.  What good is that doing?  I'm still unable to get health care for my family without having to pay nearly 2000 a month.  I'm still unable to take my children to the dentist without having to pay 200 dollars a visit.  Who cares who the 1 percent is right now, if all this talk and marching isn't doing a damn bit of good for the average person?  What good is being done by all of this?  I'm not seeing it.  Call me blind, call me ignorant, call me whatever you want, but I don't see anything at all happening to help the average living working person trying to dig themselves out of the huge hole this bad economy helped us dig. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming anyone for my misfortune.  I realize we got here because of a lot of misfortunate events.  I'm simply stating, that there is no need in my opinion to balk and carry on, when no one is listening, or doing anything about it.  All I want, is for my life to start being important.  For me to feel like a good mother in front of my children.  For me to make our lives comfortable.  We don't need diamonds, and fast cars, we just need food, health care, and a roof over our heads.  Sadly, it sounds simple, but today, that's one of the hardest things to accomplish.

I'm glad I got to put this all out there today.  I needed to verbalize it.  I needed to admit my fears out loud.  If nothing else, it helps me feel better for just this moment.  It feels good to put all of my flaws, and misgivings on the table. 

I would like to end with a few of my favorite quotes that I say to myself repeatedly.  I'd like to share them, in hopes that they will offer hope, and solace to someone else who may also be where I am right now.  God Bless!

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. – Martha Washington

All of us are born for a reason, but all of us don’t discover why. Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It’s what you do for others. – Danny Thomas

1 comment:

  1. Worry can be so aweful, especially for the mom (seems like we end up doing a lot of it). Hang in there- praying for you and your family. Wish I was rich- I'd send you a big fat check too!!