As I've written in a few blogs over the last few months, I've just recently come out of a large bout of depression. I was letting my financial problems define me. I think the biggest thing I have taken out of all of it is that it's so easy to get lost in your world when stressful situations are bombarding you. But the thing that I want to take from that is the important lesson I learned. That being: do not drown in your sorrows, instead stand up and walk through them with your head held high. Relish in the small bonus moments that your life has to offer. Taking baby steps into the next part of your life.
I turned 38 years old this year, and what hit me on my birthday was that aside from my 3 beautiful children, and my amazing supportive family, most of my daily life consists of way too much stress. I don't want to keep letting that be what's important about me. What's important about me IS my 3 beautiful children, and my family. It's so important to always keep family as your number 1 priority. Your focus. Now, having said that, I can attest to fear being a huge part of why someone would let stress, and stressful situations take control. You become afraid that you'll lose your home, that you'll be a failure and you'll no longer be able to provide stability for your children. That is exactly what happened to me. I was terrified that all of the bad things that were happening, were going to take away all the things that I loved. When you are broke, and your only way to survive is to rely on the kindness of others, everything that you knew before changes. My way of thinking changed. It became not what I wanted to do with the kids for fun, but rather, how was I going to put food on the table every day. How was I going to get clothes for the kids, how was I going to keep all of this monumental stress and bad experiences from effecting them? I will be the first to admit that was scary as hell! My family as you know, was and still is my foundation. They stand by me through every single battle, and make sure that I have what I need. From every small detail, to the big huge things they were there to help, and had I not had them, I doubt very much I would even have Internet connection right now, or a computer, or a table to sit at to tell you about this. They held my hand through every single dark moment, and are still holding my hand until all of this passes. They will always be there for me. That is so huge. How do you thank someone for saving your life? Thank you just doesn't seem big enough.
We have had so many things happen to us in the last year and I keep trying to figure it out. Why do we keep falling down? What are we doing that is so wrong that all these bad situations keep dragging us deeper and deeper? I see such horror stories on the news and I think my god I have to be able to stay on top of this so that we do not end up in an even worse situation. We have tried to figure out what would be the best solution, and though I hate to admit it, selling our house is probably going to be it. I love this house with my entire being. I'm so proud of it, and I am so happy here. But in the reality of the things I have to realize this house costs us a small fortune, and puts us deeper in debt every year. The taxes are 1000 a month. It's costing us so much money to hold on to this house, that it's only going to keep us from getting out of this financial hole we have fell in. The taxes will never be lowered, they will only stay the same or increase. Once we paid our mortgage off we would still be left with that 1000 a month payment, and that's a lot to have hanging over your head, especially when you aren't making enough to make ends meet. If we sold our house, and were able to pay off all of our debt, it would only be saving us. Yes, it WILL break my heart to leave here, but as long as I have my family I can make a happy home wherever we end up. As it is, the house which is a log cabin, needs alot of work. The husband doesn't have any time to put into it, and we certainly can't justify hiring someone to do it. So I believe I have come to accept the inevitable. Of course it will take us a while to sell anyway, as there is that work that needs to be done, and we need to wait for a decent market. But before this I would have never agreed to sell it. I fought the husband tooth and nail to disagree with his constant idea that selling was the only answer. The fighting did me no good, and in the end, it is me who realizes he's right on this one.
The one thing that I feel is most important about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and about coming out of a bad, long depression is that I have realized this life is going to challenge us every single second, it's how you handle it that is going to take part in defining you. You can let it take over, and believe me that's the easy part, OR you can get up each morning with the hope of a better day. The hope of a brighter/lighter future. I'll be honest, it's not going to be easy, but it's so much easier to face the day with hope and a smile, than missing an entire day of your children's life because you're too wrapped up in the moment. Look up from that pile of bills and see what they are up to. Spend that few minutes playing and laughing with them. I can guarantee you'll feel a lot better afterwards. Showing them the way doesn't always mean your life has to be perfect. They can and do understand a lot more than we give them credit for. So while they are still young, and want to play with you, get down on the carpet and play!! I promise the bills will still be there when you get done, and nothing bad is going to happen if you take a few hours out of your schedule to spend it laughing and dancing. Tomorrow always comes, and life always keeps happening no matter how bad and how awful your current situation is. There is going to be a day when it gets better, so enjoy as many moments as you can in the mean time. You'll get there either way!!
Wishing you all blessings and good things, today and every day!