Yesterday my 9 year old had his elementary school graduation. I was both over joyed with pride and quite sad. Not sad in a way of regret, just nostalgic sad. I was a bit of a ditz going into it because I had something completely different as my idea of what it was going to be. I didn't really think it was an actual "graduation". Why, I don't know! I should have realized, but I guess the busy week got the best of me, and I just anticipated an hour of getting us ready for the middle school. The school we attend does elementary ed through 4th grade, so 5th grade is actually Middle School. When I was in school that started in 6th grade. So I walked into the gym and was overwhelmed with emotion instantaneously. The decorations were beautiful, quite dreamy actually. The plants and trees were all lit up, there were balloons everywhere, and a lovely slide show playing of the children. One look at my son's picture accompanied by the music playing and I was swallowing a major lump and pinching myself not to start bawling. I did very well through the first part of the ceremony. Then came time for the memories slide show. It began with the "remembering" part, which was all of their baby pictures, accompanied by a beautiful slow country song about letting them be little. That was it for me. The tears came and I had no control over them. By the songs end I was a snotting, blubbering mess. Mascara to my chin, lip quivering and I was over run with emotion about the last 9 years that went way to fast. It felt like all of a sudden I was realizing how big my baby was. Almost a double digit age, yet it feels like yesterday that he was my only child, and it was just him and Mommy hanging out, playing and being silly together. Of course we still have those moments, but they are not as often since I have slowly started to become the mom to a "grown up" boy.
Kevin is as sweet as he is adorable. He's kind and loving. He's sensitive, and brilliant. He's charismatic and serious. He's wonderful. I remember his labor and holding my baby boy for the first time thinking how amazing life had just become. All the tears I shed because I was so clueless on parenting. How grown up I felt having a son to call my own. The countless calls to my Mom bawling my eyes out that I wasn't being a good Mommy and I didn't know what I was doing. Then slowly transforming into Mommy-hood and being able to do everything with ease. To be able to know when he had a tummy ache, or needed a bottle. Just one look at his face and I knew what it was he needed. The transition was long and slow, but it happened just the same. Now here I am sitting at his elementary ed graduation thinking about the new chapter we will soon begin. I felt overwhelmed with pride as I saw him accept his graduation certificate. How handsome my boy looked up there. How sweet he was clapping and cheering for his friends. How loved he was by all of the other children who cheered and applauded for him. It was a good moment. I was transitioning myself into a mommy of a pre-teen, and feeling alittle scared at what the new chapter will bring. Yet I was feeling excited for him.
When the ceremony was over I couldn't wait to get my hands on him and squeeze him and give as many kisses as he would allow. I couldn't wait to tell him how proud Mommy is of him. What a wonderful boy he is, and what a wonderful young man he is turning into. That part was my favorite of the day. Squeezing him, sneaking in a quick smell of his hair, and kissing him as quick as I could so I didn't get the "MOM stop you are embarrassing me" statement. Thankfully he let Mommy love on him for a minute and didn't mind that I might embarrass him. He was looking out for his mushy mom. He knows Mom will cry, and he knows Mom will get all gushy and he's OK with it. That's my boy!
At the days end, it was hot and humid, there were loads of laundry to be folded, and piles of dinner dishes to wash and all seemed normal again. Then together we all prepared the teachers presents for the last day of school today. Funny how getting them all up this morning and ready was the easiest day of the year thus far. They were dressed and ready to go 15 minutes before Mom today! My 5 year old was feeling pretty down about today being his last day with his teacher. He only figured out last week that he had to get a new teacher every year and he wasn't happy about it. This year he completely enjoyed, and whenever you'd ask him what his favorite part of school was his answer was always the same, his teacher. He has had the sweetest crush on her, and she loves him too. It's very sweet and we are really going to miss her. I was crying when it came to her card because she's actually taught two of my children. Each thing that my 5 year old does seems very concrete because it's the last of's for just about all of the things we complete. He being my baby there will be no more kindergarten, no more of the things we've done for 3 children now. It's exciting, but sad all wrapped in one.
I know it's not good to feel sad and feel like your life is flashing before your eyes just because the kids are growing up. I'm trying to live in the moment and enjoy each new chapter, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the baby stages. They go so fast! Plus I had 2 in diapers, with a bottle etc so I was probably too busy to enjoy it as much as I could have/should have. I miss the little baby in my arms, and the bottles. Smelling their hair while they rest on you and drink their bottle. I just miss it. It's that simple. Knowing I can't have another child doesn't help much. I mean I doubt I even would have another if I could, but it seems like because I know I can't makes me want another even more. I've thought about adoption but it's a process the husband would never go for, and so I've moved on from it. It hurt for a while, but it feels better now. It's just sometimes a hard pill to swallow when you think you could have had a new baby coming now. I would have liked that alot. But, it's only making things harder for me and I really need to move on from it and just learn how to be a Mom to the ages I have now. I am so lucky to have those 3 little people. They are pretty darn awesome and they are all mine. That's good stuff!
Enjoy your day, and for those of you winding down the school year I wish you loads of blessings, and a very happy beginning to your summer!!
Hugs!
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